From mistaking lust for longing to starting slowly, the dos and don’ts of lockdown sex with your ex
HAVE you been tempted to get back with an ex during or since lockdown? Join the queue . . .
One in five people have contacted at least one ex since March, while one in four have been contacted by an ex and one in ten have made contact with several exes, found a study.
But before you’re tempted to walk back down a well-trodden path, read relationship expert Kate Taylor’s Dos and Don’ts of reigniting old love . . .
DO…
Understand that regrets are normal
There are psychological reasons why we wonder, “What if? We’ve evolved to believe – even in normal times – that we’re safest in established social groups like relationships.
Add in a pandemic and our single status starts to feel even more risky.
Don’t jump into a rash decision: False regrets fade away over six to eight weeks.
If you still miss your ex after two months, make contact.
Focus on why you actually split up
Nostalgia is dangerous, especially during a social shutdown.
Having distance from your ex, and social-distancing from anyone better, will wipe their irritating habits from your mind and replace them with a showreel of memories so romantic they make SAW II look like The Notebook.
Again, there are biological reasons: If humans only remembered the bad parts of relationships, the species would have died out while we still lived in caves.
For total recall, write down the good and bad bits of the relationship.
Relive the worst dates. And ask friends’ opinions.
If they reply with, “What, Nathan? With the nose?” you know you’ve not been thinking clearly.
Start slowly
It’s tempting to pick up an old relationship from where it left off.
One minute you’re split, the next you’re adding your ex into your social bubble and not bothering to wear protective personal equipment (like underwear). Mistake.
You need to create a brand new path for the relationship or you’ll just end up where you are now – bitterly changing your Netflix password again, while crying.
So start afresh: Date, don’t immediately do sleepovers, and maintain a social distance.
This will build the anticipation and keep you safe.
Keep it to yourself for a while
Ideally, you’ll both be so happy to be reunited that you’ll want tell the world about it in a joyous Zoom announcement. Aww, but naw.
Keep it to yourselves for the first few weeks until it’s clear that you’ve worked through your issues.
Your friends’ reactions might not be as happy as you expect, which could shake your confidence.
Why might they not share your joy? They’ll remember how upset you were when you broke up and feel protective.
They’ll be scared you’ll get hurt all over again.
Or they’re just crippled with shame at all the bad stuff they said about your ex while you were split.
DON’T…
Mistake lust for longing
Relationships and sex also release a regular dose of addictive feelgood chemicals into our bodies like Dopamine and Oxytocin.
When we split, we’re driven to get another hit.
Usually this would be from someone new.
But since Covid shut down normal socialising, your ex becomes your easiest “fix”.
Those regrets that haunt you at 3am aren’t always a sign that you’ve made a terrible mistake, they’re often just a sign that your body misses sex.
Make contact with your ex too casually
Your ex needs to feel you’ve come to a measured, mature decision to try again, NOT that you’ve already been through everyone else on your local pub’s Track and Trace call-sheet.
Try to find a way of contacting them that expresses your genuine remorse, like a phone call, a heartfelt letter or an invitation on a romantic date.
Don’t just swipe right on their Tinder, or text them an aubergine at 3am.
Avoid setting some new ground rules
Make sure you and your ex can agree what went wrong the first time, and on how to stop it happening again.
Make a plan that is practical and possible.
It’s no good for one of you to absorb all the guilt for the last split and vow to be different from now on, as they’ll soon be doing more U-turns than a Daily Briefing.
Instead, set rules that address the reasons you broke up.
Like, you won’t go whole days without contact; you’ll have actual dates, not booty calls; you won’t call their best friend “incredibly fit”.
After a few dates, talk about how you hope the relationship will move forward after life returns to normal.
If talking about the future still makes either of you go pale or start scrabbling for excuses, call things off right away.
Go there (again)
Some relationships simply aren’t meant to be. If any of these apply, cut off all contact and move on.
You’ve already broken up more than twice: If you go back for thirds, you’re a glutton for punishment. Cut your losses.
Your friends and family ALL dislike your ex: If you can’t find 12 people who’d want to attend your wedding, it’s probably not a great relationship.
Your ex is a serial cheat: It’s not you they miss, but just the thrill of chasing and winning you again.
Block all contact and focus on setting up online chat with new dates who seem more trustworthy.
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