Breakfast at Timothée’s

The Sunset Boulevard IHOP in the middle of Hollywood has been Wonka-fied. The fast-casual dining spot now looks like a 5-year-old with a candy obsession’s birthday party in honor of the December 15 release of Willy Wonka’s origin story, starring Timothée Chalamet as young Wonk. During a press preview of the memed-about menu, tables were decorated with burgundy tablecloths, tiny gold hats, and glass cases covering the red IHOP smile for the movie tie-in menu. But the issue with the candy-factory-inspired dishes, which rolled out across IHOPs nationwide on November 27, is the ungodly amount of purple food dye and cheesecake filling dumped into each one. Instead of using a tasteful amount of candies and chocolate the book and following movies are known for, the restaurant went full sugar rush. IHOP’s own Willy Wonka, the company’s head chef Arthur Carl, declared that the restaurant has a lot of “breakfast equity,” allowing for freedom to experiment before we tasted his creations. And experiment it did. Here we go, mama.

I finished the first drink embarrassingly fast, unaware of what was to come. “Dreamy Lemonade,” which was a drink decorated with icing sprinkles and a swirly straw, tasted more like a Hi-C juice box. Then came Wonka’s Perfectly Purple Pancakes — yes, the flavor is technically just purple. But it tasted just like blueberry, despite there being no berries. Maybe it was the Violet Beauregarde effect, or was my brain trying to justify the vivid color?

Next up was the flaky and buttery Daydream Berry Biscuit (also very sweet). But the real attraction was a sugarless, cream cheese–less meaty dish — a curveball thrown by IHOP Wonka: the Fantastical Wonka Burger. It was just a regular burger with bacon, avocado, hash brown, ranch, and whatever the hell IHOP sauce is. At the house of pancakes, the burger was my favorite dish of the day. Maybe that was the recipe people were trying to steal from Wonka in the 1971 movie.

My table was only halfway through the dishes when more liquids started arriving. There was a strawberry hot chocolate that made the table groan, reminding me of my lactose intolerance. Another threat arrived soon after: The chocolate pancake tacos were on the way — more groans. (But they weren’t bad!)

At this point, I really had turned into Violet, my stomach close to exploding after trying everything on the menu. I looked around the restaurant, hoping to find solace in the other attendees, mommy bloggers, kids, and TikTokers. The smaller humans and their metabolisms were perfectly fine, seated quietly in their seats as they enjoyed their continuous stream of sugar. Is this whom the menu featuring dishes containing 44 grams of sugar (those purple pancakes) was made for? Like Wonka and his golden tickets, the cavity-inducing dining experience may not have been built for someone who’s old enough to know who Gene Wilder is, but no matter what, to quote Hugh Grant’s eloquent Oompa Loompa, “once we’ve started, we cannot stop.”