Ex-Army sniper prepares for potential VA healthcare cuts
TOLEDO, Ohio — After a week that saw healthcare industry executives on edge following the fatal shooting of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, former Army sniper Todd "Deadeye" Wallace has reportedly begun preparing for what he describes as "inevitable cuts to VA healthcare" under the incoming Trump administration, sources confirmed today.
The move comes amid reports that Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, whom President-elect Donald Trump has tapped to lead a so-called "Department of Government Efficiency," confirmed that they plan to target "unauthorized" federal spending — a category that includes the VA's medical services.
"I’m just a simple guy who spent years defending this country and acquiring a very particular set of skills," said Wallace while meticulously cleaning his .308 Remington rifle at his kitchen table. "But hey, if the incoming administration says I’ve been living too large off a disability check that doesn’t cover my increasing rent year to year, who am I to argue with a draft dodger’s perspective on my amputated leg?"
Veterans benefits have been a hotbed of discussion in recent weeks following a controversial op-ed published by The Economist under the headline, “American Veterans Now Receive Absurdly Generous Benefits.” The piece suggested that VA coverage for traumatic injuries, mental health care, and prosthetics was "excessive" and closed by asserting, "Reducing payments to former soldiers will never be popular, but it would be wise."
"Wise," Wallace repeated with a dry laugh when asked about the piece. "You know what else isn't popular but apparently wise? Starting wars for oil money and expecting the fallout to stay overseas. But hey, who am I to argue with wisdom from across the pond? Clearly, these guys know a thing or two about managing global empires."
Wallace, who served three tours in Afghanistan and Iraq and has recorded kills at over 2,000 yards, said that he began "revisiting old hobbies" after hearing rumors that the new administration was considering significant reductions to veterans' benefits.
As he spoke, Wallace meticulously laid out maps and recon images of government buildings and large hotel resorts in Florida, which he insisted were "totally unrelated to anything," while also practicing his breathing techniques.
"Old habits die hard, I guess. Just keeping sharp in case the neighborhood rabbits get a little too bold stealing out of my garden again," he added. “I make a habit of removing vermin that take things that aren’t theirs, I suppose.”
Despite his grim outlook, Wallace claims he's trying to remain practical about the potential cuts.
"If my benefits go away,” he said. “I’ll need a new income stream. Maybe I'll go into consulting. Or security. I hear UnitedHealthcare might be hiring.”
Wallace also joked about creating a Kickstarter for his future medical needs.
"I'll call it 'Fund My Foot,' but I'll add stretch ligaments instead of stretch goals. Oh, and The Economist can sponsor it! They can write a follow-up: 'Veterans Crowdfund Health Care: A Rational Step Forward.' It practically writes itself."
Trump administration officials have shown little concern for the plight of veterans like Wallace. A presidential transition team spokesperson issued a statement calling Wallace's remarks "deeply concerning" and reaffirmed the incoming president’s commitment to "maintaining the integrity of the healthcare system for the veterans who can afford it."
Wallace, however, seemed unfazed by the response.
"Look, I get it. Balancing the budget is hard," he said, gesturing toward a stack of unopened medical bills. "But if a guy who ate sand and dodged bullets for ten years can figure out how to pay for his own prosthetic leg, I'm sure those Ivy League types can come up with something, too. They’ll just have to stop catering McDonald’s lunches long enough to brainstorm."
He then poured himself a glass of whiskey, took a long sip, and stared thoughtfully at his wall, which featured a hand-drawn chart labeled "Government Officials and Their Known Vacation Homes."
As of press time, Wallace was reportedly Googling "Can PTSD be used as a tax write-off?" and drafting an email to The Economist entitled, “You’re a Bunch of Wankers."