From the ‘wrong crowd’ to morning tears – how to help your child combat 8 back to school fears
MOST kids heading back to school this week will be excitedly packing their pencil cases and trying on new uniforms.
But for many, the start of a new term is a source of panic and upset — and parents can feel guilty sending them off regardless.
Perhaps you will notice a change in your child as they return to school. A different “crowd”, less focus or odd behaviour
New figures show 21 per cent of students were persistently absent from school in the last academic year, missing ten per cent or more of their classes.
Educational psychologist Dr Cath Lowther, from the Association of Educational Psychologists, says: “We give children healthy diets and encourage them to look after themselves so they don’t get sick.
“We need to think of mental health in the same way.
“We can do things to protect our children to an extent and if we do, they will be resistant to mental health conditions in the same way healthy people are to bugs and illness.”
Today, Dr Lowther shares what parents can do in these common situations . . .
DOESN’T WANT TO GO
SPEND time figuring out why your child is so keen to avoid going to school.
Dr Lowther says: “Make sure they have plenty of time to talk to you about how they are feeling, and maybe about what is going on in school for them.
“It’s also a good idea to check with the staff in case there is anything else happening that you should know about.
“Let your child know you understand they are anxious, worried or freaked out.
“Using their words can work best.
“Normalising anxiety can help make it easier for your child to attend.
“But also let them know avoiding whatever it is that’s stressing them can sometimes make things worse.”
NO FRIENDS
WHILE there could be a number of issues here — depending on age — Dr Lowther points out friendships particularly change around puberty.
She says: “It will have been hard for them to keep a ‘game face’ on at school, so let them exorcise everything at home.
“It can be really tempting to try to solve this issue for them, but don’t!
“They might not come to you and share again.
“Try to help them connect with their feelings and gently attempt to help them contextualise things.
“If they want a dialogue, bring in your own experience — that it is normal for friendships to change.”
LUNCH NOT FINISHED
IT is hard to imagine a child could have an eating disorder, but 12.3 per cent of 11 to 16-year-olds were rated as possibly having one in 2023.
Dr Lowther says: “Start by checking in on your child in general.
“Don’t mention food initially as it’s not helpful and may scare them into not opening up.
“If you mention their lunchbox being full, they may start throwing it away at school.”
She recommends NHS resources if searching for support.
WON’T LET ME SPEAK TO TEACHER
KIDS cannot always be coaxed to talk, despite parents’ best efforts.
“They’ll also try and forbid you from contacting their teacher,” Dr Lowther says.
“Schools have great data protection protocols, so you can have a confidential conversation with their teacher without it getting back to your child.
“But it’s worth persevering and trying to do it with your child’s consent.
“Ask them who they get on with best in terms of teachers and ask if you can talk to them.”
HATES IT BUT WON’T MOVE
IF you have got to the point where a new school seems sensible, it can be frustrating when your child cannot see it.
Dr Lowther says: “Children and young people often don’t have enough life context to know when a change is needed.
“I’ve seen very unsettled children move schools and start to thrive.
“That said, transitions are disruptive.
“But if you genuinely think it’s the best idea for them, persevere with the conversation.”
Keep your child involved in looking at prospective schools and decision making.
Dr Lowther adds: “We’re all more likely to go along with something if we feel like we have a sense of control over it.”
HANGING WITH THE WRONG CROWD
A PARENTS’ worst nightmare: Who are these new kids derailing your child from their good school grades?
Dr Lowther advises approaching behaviour issues without blame.
She adds: “You can say that you’ve noticed things have changed, and is there anything going on?
“Having conciliatory conversations where you’re honest about your worries can help them feel less like they are on one side of a conflict and you are on the other.
“Young people can handle knowing a little of how you feel.”
She recommends reminding them of who they used to be friends with, and activities they enjoy.
Plus, a comforting environment might help them open up.
Dr Lowther suggests inviting their friends over.
She says: “If a parent tries to forbid their child from seeing a certain friend, most of the time they will just do it behind your back.
“At least you’re on hand if anything goes wrong.”
REFUSING TO GET OFF THEIR SCREEN
A COMMON battleground for parents and kids everywhere is screen time.
Dr Lowther says: “Rather than try to lay down the law, have a conversation and explain your side of it.
“We know physical health is really important when it comes to mental health, and that’s why you encourage them to eat their fruit and vegetables, and exercise and sleep.
“Negotiate a bedtime routine you are both happy with and make sure they see you compromising, as that’s a valuable lesson for them to learn.”
ASKS IF WE HAVE ENOUGH MONEY
CHILDREN are not stupid and may have cottoned on that you are struggling for money.
The first thing to do in this situation is admit it.
Dr Lowther says: “There’s no magic fix if your child is worried about this.
“But parents can try to protect their children by giving them a degree of honesty.
“Acknowledge their feelings — it’s OK to be worried, it’s a difficult time but you are their parent and you will do the worrying for them.
“They need to feel a sense that you will manage it together and they don’t need to worry too much because you are there for them.”