‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Pageant beef, pirates’ life, and public workouts

Week 3 brought some intense physical competition (giant Q-tips!), a flying turkey leg, and Demi needing another intervention.

We here at SB Nation realize that “The Bachelor” is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement.

Welcome to a new week of thrilling Bachelor action as Colton attempts to further whittle down his pool of lady suitors to find his future fellow Instagram sponsored item hawker wife. This week, there were two group dates, and a solo date before a pool party at the mansion.

If you missed last week, be sure to check out the action here.

The first group date took eight of our plucky suitors — Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn — to a pirate-themed Medieval Times, pitting the women against one another with the hopes of winning the heart of “Captain Colton.”

“This is the story of Captain Colton, in search of the greatest treasure life had ever seen: love.”

[Pause for dry heaves.]

I have to applaud Colton for seeming to actually enjoy these utterly ridiculous group dates. He’s a good sport and continues to show — can it be — actual personality. It was a relatively benign group date, but we did get to see the women partake in the “American Gladiator” staple of knocking each other around with oversized giant Q-tips.

I’m sure it was completely coincidental that the producers put the women with the ongoing beefs (Tracy-Demi and Hannah B.-Caelynn) on the same outing. Completely coincidental.

Colton selected the lovely Elyse for a one-on-one date that featured a helicopter ride to an amusement park where the duo entertained a horde of adorable children for the day. We got our first super awkward concert where the couple dances in front of a crowd of screaming strangers with phones while an up-and-coming singer serenades everyone. A “Bachelor” staple.

On the second group date, Tayshia, Nina, Cassie, DJ Agro, Sydney, Onyeka, Caitlin, Heather, and Nicole all competed for the title of “Bachelor Strongest Woman.” After participating in a sled push (featuring a “wedding cake” made of weights), a tire flip dubbed the “ring toss,” and a limo pull (no, really, they tried to pull a limo), Onyeka beat out Sydney and DJ Agro for the coveted trophy. Can’t wait for her to tell that story to her grandkids one day.

We didn’t get a cocktail party this week, but a pool party instead. It was mostly monopolized by more of the pageant beef, but this also happened:

Only Hannah G. didn’t get a date this week, but Colton says it’s because he’s so sure about their relationship that he didn’t need one. Talk about a nice week on “The Bachelor.” You spend a few days by the pool, you don’t have to stress about competing with the other women, and get your name called right out of the gate. Not bad, Hannah G. I can’t wait ‘til you’re the only Hannah so I don’t have to use last name letters.

Let’s get to the highlights!

Most Outrageous Moment: The Flying Turkey Leg

Tracy and Caelynn won the arbitrary finalist selection from the professional performance pirates (Hannah B. was robbed...she crushed at the Q-tip fighting), and the duo had to zip line to the deck and big Q-tip fight, but none of that matters. I literally don’t even remember who won.

I only want to talk about one thing.

DID DEMI THROW HER TURKEY LEG?

Did I spend 30 minutes photoshopping that picture? Yes. Do I regret that? Also yes.

Why would Demi waste such a perfectly good turkey leg? Why did no one seem to react to it...at all? This is the biggest mystery of the season, hands down.

Most Cringeworthy ... Everything: Demi

We get it, Demi. You think anyone over 25 is old. Demi spent all of her airtime insulting the other women, blindfolding and spanking Colton, feeling him up with a mannequin hand, and being just overall exhausting. I thought it would take DJ Agro being sent home for Demi to emerge as the one the women hate in the house, but here we are in Week 3 and Demi has been pulled aside by another woman for a chat about her behavior in every episode so far.

I think that has to be a new record.

Best Made Up Word: Befumbled

Hannah B. spilled some of the tea on her pageant beef with Caelynn, committing the fatal Bachelor move of spending alone time talking about another competitor. Hannah, who is Miss Alabama, thinks that the Caelynn she knows from the Miss USA competition isn’t the one they’re seeing in this setting, and the whole thing makes her super befumbled.

I’m assuming this is something combined with befuddled or bewildered, but what is the -umbled part? Just fumbled? Did she think that the word was befumbled and not befuddled? Either way, I’m for the use of the word.

One thing I’m not befumbled about: These two are on a crash course for a pageant beef 2-on-1 and it’s going to be miserable for everyone involved.

Least Explained Beef: Pageant Beef

SPEAKING OF THE PAGEANT BEEF. We got some info, but not a lot. Like, really not a lot. Hannah B., the befumbled one, brought up the pageant beef on the group date, but didn’t use any exact information. Regardless, it backfired (SHOCKER) on the tattletale as Colton used his group date rose to comfort the now-crying Caelynn. All of the information we got was very vague and along the lines of “he’s being lied to” and “this isn’t the person I know from pageants.”

The ceaseless discussion continued into the pool party at the mansion in the afternoon and everything was described in wide open terms like “toxic,” “manipulative,” and “deceitful,” without either one of them showing any real receipts. It’s the worst beef because one just calls the other a generic insult, and the other responds with “I’m not deceitful.”

Nothing says trustworthy like this exchange:

Hannah: Just freakin’ trust me! I’m telling the truth!

Colton: I need a minute.

GIVE US THE DETAILS. THERE HAS TO BE MORE. DID SOMEONE PUT NAIR IN SOMEONE ELSE’S SHAMPOO?

At least we got the phrase “tank of rage” from Hannah.

Worst Way to Ride in a Helicopter: In a Headlock

Helicopters freak me out, and that’s something I have to deal with personally, but this just looks super uncomfortable.

Best Cameo: TERRY CREWS

The workout group date was pretty terrible overall, but the appearance of Terry Crews and his wife Rebecca made everything a little more tenable. Look, I love to work out. I love to run. Know when I do NOT want to do that? In front of a bunch of other women competing for the same dude, WHILE THAT DUDE IS THERE. Like, do none of these ladies sweat? What is that? How does your hair stay like that?

Anyway, here’s Terry Crews. NINE NINE!

Least Believable Statement: Onyeka’s Favorite Movie

“We walk in and it was Terry and Rebecca Crews, and I was, like, freaking out. ‘White Chicks’ is one of my favorite movies.”

Mhmmm. Ok. Sure.

Sneakiest Sexy Move: Sydney’s stretching

“Colton’s not a stretching virgin anymore.”

Still the Best: Cassie

This is my weekly Cassie appreciation section. Our girl finally got some time with Colton, and they unsurprisingly have great chemistry. I heart you, Cassie.

Least Aware: Caitlin

Bless her heart. Things did not go great for sweet Caitlin in her time on “The Bachelor.” First, her yellow team lost in the Billy Eichner-hosted camp games, meaning she got less time with Colton. This week, she tried to make up for it, but things were rough.

This actually happened:

At 25, you can hardly blame Caitlin for wanting to keep things light. You are, however, on a show that is supposed to end with an engagement. If you’re just looking for someone to party with in Toronto, this might not be the place for you.

Caitlin thought things were going great right up until the moment Colton told her it wasn’t working and deposited her on the curb for the black SUV ride of shame. Poor thing was shocked. Farewell, sweet Caitlin.

Demi Quote of the Week

“The two best pirates are going to compete for Colton’s heart, and it’s perfect for me because I’m a cutthroat kind of chick. The job of a pirate is to steal, and I’m here to steal Colton’s heart.

I don’t want to be another one of those yo-ho-hos.”

Gone Too Soon

• Caitlin
• Fake Australian Accent Bri
• Catherine AKA DJ Agro
• Nina