Ford Ranger Raptor is an epic and tough new pick-up with top speed of 106mph

WE are supposed to be hunter-gatherers. But all we do is unwrap packaging and more packaging.

We are supposed to be adventurers. But all we do is Netflix and chill.

So a massively capable desert rally pick-up truck that’s of absolutely no use to anyone at all? Yes please.

This is the bad-ass Ford Ranger Raptor, the little brother to the all-American F-150 Raptor but a better size for UK roads. To sum it up in two words: Bloody epic.

With its trick long-travel suspension, reinforced chassis, high-strength steel bash plates, chunky tyres and flared arches, it will go so far off-grid you can have the world to yourself.

Except you won’t, of course, because you live in Swindon, not the Sahara desert — where I tested the Raptor in Morocco. Which is a shame because charging down washboard gravel roads in the wilderness at 80mph is where the Raptor is at its best.

That’s all down to the Fox Racing shock absorbers and coilover rear suspension, which soak up the big hits with such aplomb it hums along like Winnie The Pooh thinking about something.

As with a regular Ranger, the Raptor drives two or four wheels in high ratio or four wheels in low ratio but adds a slick, ten-speed auto with flappy paddles nicked off the F-150.

It also has a rear diff lock and modes for mud, sand, rock, snow, grass, sport and Baja. So if you get stuck, then it’s probably all your fault.

What’s Baja? Ah, yes. Baja mode knocks off the nanny blankets for high-speed off-road handling — top speed is 106mph — and takes its name from the legendary Baja desert rally. It’s a lot of fun.

Other positives. Body control on normal roads is good for such a big bird weighing 2.5 tonnes. Disc brakes all-round. Tehnical suede seats stop you sliding about.

Satnav that lays breadcrumbs to stop you getting hopelessly lost. Wading depth of 85cm.

And how cool is that front grille with the wide F-O-R-D lettering? Very.

It makes the nose of a normal Ranger look tame. But there are two major flaws.

First, the engine is a bit of a letdown given the chassis and its looks. It’s a 2-litre diesel or nothing.

It hasn’t even been uprated by Ford Performance, as you can have the same 213hp lump in a Ranger Wildtrack.

That’s not to say it won’t get the job done, because it will. It carries good speed and has more muscle than the old 3.2-litre five-pot.

But I wanted something silly. The F-150 Raptor has a Ford GT engine.

Wait until your mates find out this is slower than a Nissan Micra.

Much closer to home, the VW Amarok V6 and Merc X-Class would hose it off the line too. Then there’s the price. It’s near as dammit £50,000 and you can’t claim the VAT back. Why so?

Because the Raptor’s payload is 620kg and not the normal tonne for it to be classed as a commercial vehicle. Damn.

Towing limit is also lower at 2.5 tonnes, down from the usual 3.5 tonnes.

But if you are fine with all that, go ahead and buy one.

It’s a better alternative than an SUV and your kids will love you for ever.

Or buy a second-hand Ranger, order an after-market F-O-R-D grille from Thailand and look forward to ripping through all that bubble wrap.

Alfa laps up SUV record

SETTING a world record which doesn’t already exist has always struck me as a bit of a con.

I could set a world record for shoving the most frozen peas up my nose while dressed as Hulk Hogan and whistling the theme tune from Emmerdale, because no one has ever done it.

Still, a world record has to start somewhere – which is why Alfa Romeo decided to be the first to record a fastest lap time for an SUV around three British tracks. It was done in the 510bhp Stelvio Quadrifoglio. The bar is set high.

These things are normally done at the Nurburgring, but Alfa chose Brands Hatch, Silverstone and Donington Park to flex its muscles.

Want the times? Course you do. Driver David Brise recorded a 55.9 seconds around Brands, a one minute 21 seconds around Donny, and two minutes 31 seconds at Silverstone.

And fair play to Alfa, in 2017 it took the record for the fastest SUV around the Nurburgring with a time of seven minutes 51 seconds. So it isn’t cheating really.

If you fancy a bit of the fastest SUV around Silverstone you’ll have to stump up £69,510, but for that money you’re buying a 2.9-litre twin turbo V6 which is as capable of going off-road as it is picking four kids up from a Scout hut party at midnight.

Plus, it’ll more than hold its own on a track day.

ASK ALFIE — Used Car Specialist

Question — I’M a sole trader and I need a Ford Transit Connect-sized van but my credit history isn’t great – what can I do? Simon McNamara

Yeah, your credit history is not going to help with finance deals, but you should be able to find lease deals on the size of vans you’re after by simply searching online for “van lease deals”.

Plenty of third-party companies are doing great offers on all makes of van, so try some of those. Good luck, mucker!

Question — I NEED four new tyres for my VW Golf TDI and it’s a bit overwhelming searching for the right quality ones – there are so many brands and companies out there. Mick Potter

Look on blackcircles.com which has tens of thousands of customer reviews on tyres purchased, so you’re guaranteed impartiality as to what you’re thinking of buying.

Also try Auto Express online as it regularly has stringent tyre tests of various makes.

Question — I SAW you explain to a bloke (Ask Alfie, Apr 21) about the tax on his BMW i3. He’d paid £440 and you told him about “rich taxes” – and yet, when I search i3 on Auto Trader, they’re all £0. So who’s right here? Chris Gilson

Chris, this is to do with the barmy VED tax laws that came into force on April 1, 2017. You pay a first year’s tax, then a fixed rate of tax from year two onwards.

How much is determined by the CO2 the vehicle puts out and its new list price. The only vehicles exempt are pure electric cars that emit no CO2 – the all-electric BMW i3 would qualify.

But if it’s more than £40,000 new, with options, then it will incur a £320 rich tax for years two, three, four, five and six, before reverting to £0.

Confusing, isn’t it? And more baffling when there used to be BMW i3s with small petrol engines fitted for range-extender purposes, which change their tax requirements again.

What I could have bought this week

2008 Mazda MX-5 2.0 Sport, 74k, £5,000, Rotherham (approvedcars.co.uk)

This black beauty is a mid-life Mk3 and it’s the lighter convertible (rather than the porkier RC).

You know it’s going to be bomb-proof, bags of fun and cost peanuts to run.

2011 Audi TT 2.0 TFSI Sport, 52k, £9,500, Cambridge (reedautos.com)

This coupe might be a front-wheel-drive manual, rather than a quattro auto, but it has the 2008-updated 208bhp engine, so should be punchy and classy.

2006 BMW 650i convertible, 22k, £14,995, Auto Station, Polegate, East Sussex

This one’s a steal – mainly because it has the later, 363bhp 4.8 V8 up front, which is a rich delight of a motor that’s also bulletproof, and it has also done just 22,000 miles.

Win a Capri and a Mustang

JUST like the Currant Bun, the Ford Capri turns 50 this year.

“The car you always promised yourself” as the adverts used to say. Or as I like to call it, the working man’s Porsche.

I’d be stunned if either you, your parents, grandparents, or cool uncle Dave didn’t have a Capri story.

That’s why I’m giving you the chance to WIN A CAPRI… for the afternoon. And then I’ll swap it for a Mustang V8 for the weekend.

I know. Brilliant right?

The Capri is rather special as it is the last one ever produced by Ford in December 1986. It’s a 280 Brooklands Capri.

For your chance to win it – I repeat, for the afternoon – email me at motors@the-sun.co.uk and share your family Capri story.

Bonus points if you can find some old photos to go with it. Please include your full name, address and a contact number.

The driver must be over 25, have held a full licence for at least five years and have no more than six penalty points.

I look forward to reading your stories. Good luck.

Reader’s car of the week

THERE are classic cars, and then there are really classic cars, and then there are dyed-in-the-wool, undisputable motoring icons.

And they don’t come much more iconic than the Ford Mustang.

So here’s a smashing example of the original Pony car sent in by Phil Dutton, of Redditch, West Mids, who tells me: “This is my ’67 Mustang. It’s the 289ci, which means it is a 4.7-litre V8. I have owned it for seven years and it is a joy to drive.”

It’s stunning to look at, too. Phil, I salute you.

• Send me pictures of your own beloved motor, with details, to motors@the-sun.co.uk