How to Talk About Race at Thanksgiving

Jenn M. Jackson, an assistant professor in political science at Syracuse University, has some counter-intuitive advice for navigating difficult conversations about bigotry and inclusion at the family table: If you hear something, say something.

Writing in Teen Vogue, she says she knows she’s asking a lot. “The dinner table is one of the most sacred places in the household,” she begins. “For many families, it is the place where difficult conversations, delicate family dynamics, and restorative fellowship all come together.”

But people, particularly majority-culture white folks, are unusually isolated by race, and are unlikely to know people—really know people—who are different from themselves. If the conversation veers towards race, it’s an opportunity, she says.

“These forms of isolation mean that many white Americans don’t have to confront racial differences in their personal and daily lives. Because of white privilege, many of them can simply opt-out of difficult conversations that challenge internalized stereotypes or beliefs about people who aren’t like them.”

Jackson says these attitudes are shaped from an early age. She quotes the University of Rhode Island history professor Erik Loomis, who, citing a study of white schoolchildren in a Midwest town, wrote, “Almost none develop a meaningful critique of structural racism, question their own privilege, or think seriously about how to combat racial prejudice. These children may oppose overt racism, but they also see themselves as deserving of every advantage they have received.”

These ingrained barriers can be difficult to navigate. Jackson offers some helpful resources for starting such hard conversations. I’ve made a list and added some of my own. Scroll below to see them.

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Take Drew Magary’s advice in his latest Medium piece, How to Talk to People Who’ve Been Through Some S#@t. Chances are, whether the s#@t is a loss, an accident, a setback, a bout of depression, or a bad breakup, pretty much everyone has been through something this year.

I’m extending his advice to conversations with the folks who are typically deputized to be the race, immigration, and gender explainers in the room.

Trust me, we’ve been through some s#@t lately.

Magary’s advice works across the board: Wade in slowly.

“A simple ‘How ARE you?’ can address the elephant in the room without expressly doing so,” he says. If they mention they got hit by a bus this year, then it’s safe to follow up. (And maybe go light on the advice. “Advice usually benefits the person giving it more than the one receiving it.”)

I recommend some simple approaches: Use facts to counter bigotry, speak plainly and listen sincerely, keep it brief, be kind and empathetic, and be prepared to move on without holding an obvious grudge.

And these words have helped me navigate more than I can possibly say: “Here’s how I’ve learned to think about these things.”

Worst case scenario, just belt out a haiku. It’s worked for me.

Here are helpful resources.

• #HowWeHeal guide to talking about race with friends and family
• Dear white people, the holiday season is the best time to tell our grandparents to stop being racist
• How to Support Your Partner of Color at Your White Family’s Holiday Gathering
• GLAAD: Five ways to support your trans relatives this holiday season
• The Trevor Project: Self-care holiday tips for LGBTQ youth
• How to Talk to Your Family About Racism on Thanksgiving (“As America sits down to give thanks for a country founded on the pain of many, we can’t dismiss the irony of what is being celebrated.”)
• 5 Ways to Face Race at the Thanksgiving Table—and Not Choke

Ellen McGirt
@ellmcgirt
Ellen.McGirt@fortune.com