I believe my husband had an affair and fathered a daughter but he denies it
DEAR DEIDRE: I BELIEVE my husband had an affair and fathered a daughter by the other woman but he denies it.
A woman contacted my son last year to say she is 25 and thinks she is his half-sister.
My husband worked with her mother, who was married but split up with her husband after having a baby — the woman who contacted my son — and moved away.
I am 53 and my husband is 55.
We have been wed for 29 years and have mostly been happy.
But this woman produced a love letter to her mother in what looked like my husband’s handwriting.
He says handwriting can be forged.
But my son, who is 27, and this woman each had DNA tests — while my husband refused — and these confirmed they are, in all probability, half-siblings.
My husband says the result is false and this woman must know someone who works in the DNA-testing department.
Since then, I have not brought it up with my husband again.
I hate arguments and am not good at standing up for myself.
I have felt so down about all of this but feel I have lost the ability to fight my cause.
I think I should ask my husband to have a DNA test but am sure he would refuse.
The reason he would give is that my son had his test done behind his back.
He has now fallen out with our son, who says his dad is a liar and cheat.
My son thinks I should leave my husband but my husband still seems to love me.
I still see my son but this is harming the good relationship we once had.
Until this incident, I had no reason to believe my husband had lied to me.
I feel anxious now, in case I have made these accusations and he is not guilty.
I feel no peace with him now but it is hard to think of starting a new life alone.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Common sense, and the way your husband is reacting, both say he did indeed have an affair – and that this woman is his daughter.
But I can understand you not wanting to break up your marriage – even if your husband did cheat, it was a long time ago.
He may be refusing DNA testing because he believes firm proof that he is lying would convince you to end your marriage.
He may start being more open if you can reassure him that is not your plan.
Maybe tell him you want your marriage to survive but it is hard to see how you can be really happy together until he acknowledges the truth.
Say you think it is sad he cannot acknowledge his own daughter and has fallen out with his son.
Ask him to reach out to them.
Let this be the start of you learning to be more assertive.
My e-leaflet Standing Up For Yourself will help.