The Vampire Diaries: 10 Quotes That Prove Katherine Pierce Is Funny
On The Vampire Diaries, Katherine Pierce is a lot of things: a vampire, a doppelganger, a human, a villain, an anti-heroine, a mother and most of all a survivor. Katherine learns a lot over her 500 years on the run, evolving from a teen mom shunned by her family into a fashion-forward, high heeled she-devil whose greatest talent is outwitting those who seek to destroy her.
Katherine Pierce is a flashier, sassier version of her shadow self, Elena Gilbert. Katherine also has a wicked sense of humor, wonderfully dry -- like a desiccating vampire -- with a dash of sarcasm and a pinch of b***hiness thrown in for extra flavor. Just like everything else about Katherine Pierce, her humor is distinctively her own. Here are 10 quotes that prove Katherine Pierce is funny.
10 Do You Honestly Believe I Don't Have A Plan "B?"
When Katherine returns to Mystic Falls during season 2, she claims she's in town to win Stefan back. But the Salvatore brothers suspect she's not just hoping to rekindle a century-old romance. It doesn't take them long to learn she's using a lovesick Mason Lockwood to get her hands on the moonstone.
They have no idea just how diabolical her scheme is, but a jealous jilted Damon killing Mason on "Plan B" is an unforeseen but rectifiable complication. "You honestly believe I don't have a Plan "B?" And if that fails, a Plan "C," then a Plan "D," and -- you know how the alphabet works, don't you?" Nobody one-ups Katherine Pierce, especially the likes of Damon.
9 "Little Tip, Woman To Woman -- Don't Piss Off The Diabolical Ones."
After Nadia takes Katherine hostage on season 5, "Kitty Kat" has no idea who her captor is, nor does she care. All Katherine knows is Nadia is a preferable option to Silas who has the same laser focus as Klaus does when it comes to getting what he wants. Katherine isn't big on women supporting women: all of her moves are transactional. But she must sense Nadia is in way over her head, dealing with a complete psychopath. "Little tip, woman to woman -- don't piss off the diabolical ones."
8 "I Survived Childbirth, The Death Of My Entire Family, And 500 Years Of Running From An Immortal Hybrid."
Mortality proves to be challenging for Katherine in more ways than one, and during season 5 she's stuck in Mystic Falls, relying on the kindness of people she previously screwed over to survive.
On the run from Silas, fragile and an all-around hot mess, we see a new side of Katherine on "True Lies," one that reflects the irony of her current circumstances. " I survived childbirth, the death of my entire family, and 500 years of running from an immortal hybrid. You can understand why I'm a little upset that I am on the verge of being defeated by a sinus infection."
7 "I'm Sorry. You're Scared Of A Teacher?"
Katherine's almost completely inept when it comes to functioning as a mere mortal in the modern world -- with one exception. She's still a hustler. With Caroline trying to solve the mystery that is Dr. Wes Maxfield, Katherine sees the chance for some quid pro quo. "I'm sorry. You're scared of a teacher? Aw, honey, you really need to take a crash course on Villain 101. but luckily for you, I have an honorary doctorate."
Katherine's unapologetic approach to everything she does, and her ability to charm even the likes of Caroline Forbes into providing her with food and shelter on season 5's "Handle With Care" is what makes Katherine an undeniable force of nature.
6 "I'll Be The Safest Psychotic Bitch In Town."
Season 2 starts with a bang (or is it a bite?) with Katherine's arrival in Mystic Falls. With Original vampire Klaus Mikaelson hot on Katherine's high-priced heels, she's executing a plan to save herself. Stefan, Damon and Elena don't trust Katherine, but if she's content to be sealed in the tomb when he arrives, Klaus isn't just all bark and no bite. "I'll be the safest psychotic bitch in town."
Katherine is comprised of almost entirely bad qualities, and she doesn't pretend otherwise. It's not great that Stefan stoops to name-calling, and usually, that kind of misogyny would be a no-no, but he's angry in this instance. Katherine can live with being bad just so long as she keeps living.
5 "The Cute One's Here."
Season 5 is "Doppelgangerpalooza," and it takes the mystical energy of Amara, Katherine and Elena to complete a spell to bring Bonnie back from the dead by turning her into the Anchor. These three look-a-likes couldn't be more different. There's 2,000-year-old Amara, aka "Crazy Pants," (mostly) good girl Elena and Katherine, whose body is mortal but whose personality hasn't improved as a result.
Amara isn't even a blip on Katherine's radar, and when it comes to Elena, Katherine decided long ago that she pales in comparison to the great Katherine Pierce which is reinforced by her first words when brought together with her carbon copies. "The cute one's here."
4 "Do You Really Think I Want To Take A Road Trip With You, America's Most Boring, Self-Righteous Vampire?"
With Stefan MIA at the start of season 5, a psychic connection between himself and Katherine and Elena gives them visions of his whereabouts. Katherine's circumstances have changed drastically. She's gone from being at the epicenter of a long triangle to the third wheel, forced to hang out Damon and Elena.
Damon has to keep his enemy close thanks to Silas. "Do you really think I want to take a road trip with you, America's most boring, self-righteous vampire?" Katherine hates Elena in any form be it vampire, doppelganger or human. Petrova blood isn't thicker than water, and in Katherine's mind, Elena is as insufferable in death as in life.
3 " ... I Chopped Off This Douchey Guy's Fingers With A Butcher Knife Once. That Was Cool."
When Nadia confronts Katherine about her past on season 5's "Monster's Ball," she has no idea just how many misdeeds mommy dearest has accomplished in 500 years. "I also impersonated a teenager to get my ex-boyfriends to make out with me, staged a fake fight to trigger my lover's werewolf curse, ooh, and I chopped off this douchey guy's fingers with a butcher knife once. That was cool."
Katherine's quippy confession leaves out a lot, but Katherine has a knack for hitting the highlights.
2 "Oh, I've Missed This Place ... Said No One Ever."
The Vampire Diaries season 8 finale wouldn't be complete with the reappearance of Katherine Pierce who becomes an actual she-devil of hell. Things go full circle as the Salvatore brothers lure her back to the same tomb on season 8's "I Was Feeling Epic" which is the focus of season 1. "Oh, I've missed this place ... said no one ever."
Mystic Falls doesn't hold fond many fond memories for Katherine, but is the small town worse than actual hell? For someone like Katherine Pierce, probably not.
1 "Do You Have Any Idea What It's Like To Run In Heels? I Have Blisters, Damon."
After being force-fed the cure by Elena on the season 4 finale, Katherine is a disheveled desperate mess on season 5's "I Know What You Did Last Summer." It's not surprising Katherine turns to Damon for help. She would never accept the fact that his feelings for her changed since 1864. What is shocking is that it takes her so long.
Katherine grasps that she's operating at a complete disadvantage. A former vampire with countless enemies, but her concern that being a fugitive is rendered even more inconvenient by her choice of footwear is classic Katherine. "Do you have any idea what it's like to run in heels? I have blisters, Damon."