My wife forgave me for an affair but now I’ve discovered she’s texting her ex and I don’t know if I can trust her
DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS a terrible cheat during the first couple of years of my marriage.
I worked away, often for three months at a stretch, and it was too easy to get off with someone I met there.
My wife didn’t realise until the last time. She was pregnant with our oldest and I was having a fling with the barmaid in the hotel where I was staying from Sunday to Thursday nights.
She was 26, a lovely girl and sexually adventurous at a time when my wife was feeling huge and not that keen on sex — though I realise that’s no excuse.
My wife found some aftershave the girl had given me in my bag and just knew I would never buy anything like that for myself.
She buys all of that sort of thing for me and this was a brand that she didn’t like.
She gave me an ultimatum and I realised how stupid I’d been. I changed jobs and have never cheated since.
We have been married ten years and have three wonderful kids now. She is 35 and I am 38.
I have always loved her and since then I have been the model husband.
She is stunning and could have any man she wanted, so I’ve got a lot to lose.
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A few months back I caught her messaging her ex. My world crashed around me.
I know she was very much in love with him and she only got with me because he cheated. She immediately apologised, said it was me she loved and it was over between them.
For the first time, though, she did throw up my past and I realised just how much I’d hurt her.
I forgave her and thought we had moved on.
Then a couple of weekends ago I sensed she was being distant, and I checked her phone.
Sure enough, she’d been texting her ex. I confronted her, she has deleted his number and is making a big effort with our relationship.
I know she forgave me when I cheated but I can’t stop seeing the messages on her phone.
I love her, I know she loves me, but I don’t know whether to trust her again.
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DEIDRE SAYS: You are both feeling hurt and insecure, deep down.
Be honest with your wife and say you need more reassurance that she loves you and only you.
Encourage her to share how she felt when she discovered you had cheated on her while she was expecting your child.
You both owe each other an apology but that can bring you closer together instead of driving you apart.
She says she loves you and that’s a good basis to start to repair and rebuild.
When those messages come unbidden into your mind’s eye, paint over them with memories of you and your wife at some of your best moments together.
My leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains how you can.
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