DR KEN LIPENGA WRITES: Of flowers and politics

The issue of the tasteless floral arrangements at high tables, I mean the ones that look like freshly covered graves, is at one level petty. But it has highlighted something I’m always proud of: the Malawian sense of humour.

Comments from Nyamalikiti Nthiwatiwa, Wanthaza Mduduzi Mughogho, Thandie Wa Pulimuheya Idriss Ali Nassah and many others on the subject are all tongue-in-cheek, with a wry smile, many of them leaving me dying with laughter. Now, imagine if we had no sense of humour. You see, if I were a florist I’d obviously be trying hard to impress the guest of honour.

After all, the flowers are my cv, so to speak. Although you can impress with quality, the shortcut to impress with quantity is always a more attractive option. The problem with quantity, however, is that comparisons quickly begin to creep in. And that’s where the trouble begins.

Do you pile up the same amount of flowers for the MP or the deputy minister, as you do with the vice president, and the president? What if, unknown to you, some florist put up more flowers for some deputy minister than what you’re putting up for the vice president or even the president today? Imagine what might happen even just at the ministerial level. “Bwana minister,” the secret service guys would say, “we’ve seen that the deputy minister had more flowers than you at his function last week. Our impeccable intelligence reports tell us that the deputy minister himself was behind this. Not that we’re surprised, bwana. That fellow wants your position so much that he’ll do anything to undermine you, including bribing the florist.”

So, in the absurdist template, everyone in the higher echelons is probably safer with more flowers rather than less. Maybe that’s why we end up with these tropical forests. But then, in an old-fashioned communist state, the issue of a massive pile of flowers would raise another even more ominous problem.

Following the complaints that you my beloved friends have been airing on fb, the florists would be summoned to appear before a committee of serious-looking dark-suited personages. Then the chairman would say to them in a dark foreboding voice: “We’re investigating a rumour that there’s a conspiracy to do harm to the Great Leader by hiding venomous snakes under a pile of ugly floral arrangements at the high table .”

Believe me, the practice would come to an end immediately. But this is not a recommendation to the powers that be to adopt old-fashioned communist tactics. Best we stick with our sense of humour, no?

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