I can’t even look at my wife after she had sex with another man in our bed
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife had sex in our bed with another man after I took the children to stay at my mum’s.
We’ve been married for ten years. I work in an accounts office while she works in a retail bakery. She is 35 and I’m 38.
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Six months ago she didn’t seem happy. We have three boys under the age of eight.
I know they are a handful so I just thought she was finding them too much during the first lockdown when they were all home non-stop.
As soon as that lockdown ended I offered to take the kids to my mother’s for the weekend.
I thought it would give my wife a break and the boys could run off some steam in Mum’s big garden.
When we got home my wife snapped at me and I asked if we could talk that evening about what was bothering her.
She took the wind from my sails when she admitted to having an affair.
She said she had been getting close to one of the customers who would come into the shop for his lunch every day. She said they just clicked.
They started to talk on Facebook, then they exchanged numbers and started messaging.
She said she had met this guy while the boys and I were away and they had walked through town hand in hand. She said she had fallen in love with him.
I asked whether they had begun a sexual relationship and she broke down.
I yelled: “Did you have sex with him here? Yes or no?” and she admitted to everything.
She says she’s sorry and that we must stick together for the boys — and she has called it off with this younger man — he’s 29.
But more than three months on, I still can’t even look at her. I’m devastated. I feel worthless and horrible.
I hate myself for not picking up on the warning signs but I was blinded by my trust in her.
I love her and I just don’t know how to save my marriage.
topic4today
FOUR in five women have sexual problems three months after giving birth – and nearly two-thirds still experience them six months after labour.
For a copy of my e-leaflet Sex Problems After Childbirth, email the address below or message me on Facebook.
- Email me at problems@deardeidre.org or private-message me via my DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
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DEIDRE SAYS: What a shattering discovery. Your wife is going to have to make a big effort to rebuild the trust.
But you love her and owe it to your sons to try to get things back on track.
Three boys under eight are bound to be demanding.
You could see she needed a break but do you regularly share the care of your sons?
Do you manage to spend time just as a couple or is your busy family life getting in the way? Could your sex life do with spicing up?
My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains how you can make a relationship stronger than ever.
Also, couple counselling can help you both work through all the issues – see relate.org.uk and tavistockrelationships.org. Both offer online counselling.
And I suggest a new bed, if you haven’t already thought of that.
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