Two Beasts Enter, One Beast Leaves: A Pre-Battle ‘Godzilla Vs. Kong’ Fight Breakdown

The thing about making a movie called Godzilla vs. Kong is that it implies both a battle and a winner of that battle. We already know the first part is true because Godzilla vs. Kong has a trailer and that trailer features the two humongous beasts just walloping the heck out of each other on the deck of a battleship in the middle of the ocean. This is also how we know the movie will be good. There has never been a bad movie in which Godzilla and King Kong wallop the heck out of each other on the deck of a battleship in the middle of the ocean. More movies should work it into the plot somehow, even if it doesn’t make any sense, even if neither Godzilla nor King Kong had been mentioned to that point. This was my primary issue with La La Land.

All of which brings us to the second part: Who would win a fight between Godzilla and King Kong? It’s a fair question. One that has been asked many times by the movie industry over the past 100 years. One that has been absolutely destroying my brain ever since I saw King Kong punch Godzilla square in the mouth during the first trailer. That was a remarkable thing to see. Kong just wound up and popped him right in the scaly kisser. My entire universe tilted about two degrees to the left when it happened and it hasn’t returned to normal ever since. We’re all doing great: me, you, Godzilla, Kong, everyone.

Let’s go ahead and break this down, if only to help me get it all out of my head. It turns out I have a lot of opinions about this.

The case that Godzilla, my large scaly boy, would destroy Kong

Godzilla is a mythical beast who has superpowers, whereas Kong is just a very big gorilla. And even if Godzilla did not have superpowers, he’s still covered with armor-like skin/scales and has huge sharp teeth that would slice right through Kong’s soft, furry flesh. He could whip his tail around and send that stupid monkey flying. And that’s before we even get to the aforementioned powers or the part where Godzilla is amphibious. I know Godzilla is amphibious because it says so right on the deeply comprehensive Godzilla Wikipedia page. Here, look:

Godzilla is amphibious: it has a preference for traversing Earth’s hydrosphere when in hibernation or migration, can breathe underwater and is described in the original film by the character Dr. Yamane as a transitional form between a marine and a terrestrial reptile. Godzilla is shown to have great vitality: it is immune to conventional weaponry thanks to its rugged hide and ability to regenerate, and as a result of surviving a nuclear explosion, it cannot be destroyed by anything less powerful. It has an electromagnetic pulse-producing organ in its body which generates an asymmetrical permeable shield, making it impervious to all damage except for a short period when the organ recycles.

To recap, Godzilla is:

• Immune to conventional weapons
• Able to regenerate body parts that have been damaged despite that first thing
• Able to breathe underwater

So, even if Kong manages to injure Godzilla with some sort of powerful nuclear weapon, Godzilla could heal himself like Wolverine and then just drag Kong to the bottom of the ocean. Godzilla doesn’t even have to “win” the fight. He can just hold Kong underwater for a couple minutes. And this is before we even get to the laser breath.

More information from the Godzilla Wikipedia page, which, one could reasonably argue based only on time spent reading and number of visits in the last few weeks, is now my favorite webpage on the entire internet:

Godzilla’s signature weapon is its “atomic heat beam” (also known as “atomic breath”), nuclear energy that it generates inside of its body, uses electromagnetic force to concentrate it into a laser-like high velocity projectile and unleashes it from its jaws in the form of a blue or red radioactive beam.

This seems important. Godzilla can shoot lasers out of his face. If I could shoot lasers out of my face, I would definitely do it to someone who just clobbered me with a hairy fist. I would do it so fast. Godzilla should do it right away. This whole movie should be 15 minutes long and be titled Godzilla Murders Kong With His Atomic Laser Breath. I’ll go as long as 45 minutes if we include a King Kong funeral. I’m picturing a casket the size of an apartment complex with 800 very sad pallbearers struggling to lug it down a flight of stairs. I’m also picturing a children’s choir singing a devastating version of “Didn’t We Almost Have It All” by Whitney Houston as three industrial cranes lower Kong into a massive hole in the ground. I’m sorry this has gotten so dark. I told you I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Too much.

And even if you throw out all the laser stuff, there’s still this:

This is a brief clip from the Japanese trailer for the film in which Godzilla counterpunches Kong and sends him flying. I guess it’s more of a counterslap than a counterpunch. Whatever it is, the result is clear. Godzilla would dismantle Kong even without the massive amounts of nuclear energy coursing through his cold-blooded veins. No contest. Book it.

Unless…

The case that Kong, my humongous fuzzy son, would demolish Godzilla

Kong has two key advantages here, even if neither quite reach the level of “magical dinosaur with murder lasers shooting out of his mouth.” The first is that gorillas are smarter than lizards. Lizards are so stupid. They have tiny little brains and eat bugs. Why would anyone eat a bug unless they were too stupid to realize they could eat something better? Gorillas at least eat bananas, which are fine as far as fruits go (peaches and strawberries are better), but are a vast improvement over bugs. Perhaps I am focusing on this part of the equation too much. My point is that Kong can use his superior brain to outthink this stupid nuclear lizard in some way that will neutralize the laser-based advantages. And that bugs are gross.

The second advantage Kong has is the use of arms. Godzilla has tiny little arms and no reach and no thumbs. Godzilla cannot build or operate tools. He certainly can’t, to choose an example at random, grasp a flying dinosaur and swing it like a baseball bat to knock another flying dinosaur out of the sky. Kong can, as we saw in the trailer, to my unending delight.

What this means, in short, is that Kong could simply, if he chose to, sneak up behind Godzilla — thus negating the laser breath — and strangle him with a 40-foot piece of piano wire, like an assassin in a spy movie. It’s fun to picture him doing this in a disguise, like a trenchcoat and a fedora, as though that would trick anyone into thinking he’s not a 100-foot-tall gorilla. I don’t even know where he’d find a trenchcoat that big. It would make for a fun montage.

He could also, again, to choose an example at random that is not just an excuse to post another GIF from the trailer, acquire some sort of massive weapon that redirects Godzilla’s laser breath and swing said weapon at the nuclear dinosaur’s head in a shocking display of athleticism.

So, there’s, you know… that, too. Plenty to consider, really. But now that we have all this information, the time has come to choose a favorite. Our champion. The king of the mythical beasts. Who ya got?

VERDICT

No. I will not do it. I refuse to choose between my two beautiful monstrous children. I hope they become friends and get a nice condo together. I don’t think that is an unreasonable request.