I’m a psychotherapist & these are 6 biggest triggers of ‘mum rage’ from school run to squabbles & meal battles
MATERNAL anger is real – and has never been more prevalent after lockdowns, working from home, and home-schooling have left parents on the brink.
The unspoken rage rears its head in times of extreme stress but many mums feel ashamed to admit their child has sparked anger.
Psychotherapist Cristalle Hayes, author of Angry Mother, Assertive Mother, says: “Many mothers feel maternal rage but no one likes to talk about it.
“Mums aren’t supposed to get angry and when they do, they often feel ashamed.
“Yet all mums have experienced moments of rage, leaving them feeling overwhelmed, unsupported and tired.”
Half-term, when parents often have to juggle work with having the children at home full-time, can be a trigger.
Cristalle adds: “Mums are under a lot of stress juggling too many things, they don’t sleep enough and many are lacking in proper support.
“Kids are also hard-wired to push boundaries, and they need us so much. All this can lead to a flare-up.”
Take this quiz to find out where you sit on the rage gauge . . . then read Cristalle’s advice once you have totted up your As, Bs and Cs.
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1. When was the last time you woke up feeling refreshed?
a) I always feel fine. I don’t let interrupted sleep bother me.
b) In the last week. The kids occasionally wake me up.
c) Never. I’m a walking zombie most days.
2. Your toddler refuses to eat a dinner he usually adores. You . . .
a) Smile and make them an alternative meal.
b) Don’t force things but stick at it until they have a few bits.
c) Chuck it all in the bin and leave them hungry.
3. It is lunchtime and your teenager is still in bed. You . . .
a) Leave them to it. It’s just the natural body clock at that age.
b) Give them repeated countdowns until you eventually go in and open the blinds.
c) Vacuum, play music and be as loud as possible until they get up.
4. Bedtime and your toddler wants another story and more milk. You feel . . .
a) Warm inside. These moments before bed are so precious.
b) A bit put-out that it is another 15 minutes until “me” time.
c) Fuming. This is your time and you feel robbed of it.
5. After losing your temper with the kids, you . . .
a) I wouldn’t know. I never do.
b) Feel guilty and immediately want to apologise.
c) Have some guilt but take hours to calm down.
6. After a stressful time with the kids, you and your partner . . .
a) Are distant because you are solely focused on making the kids happy.
b) Work together to find a way forward, together.
c) Argue. You take your stress out on them and vice versa.
7. In general terms, your kids . . .
a) Take advantage of you.
b) Respect you.
c) Walk on eggshells around you.
8. The house is a tip but it is all the kids’ mess. You . . .
a) Tidy it up immediately while the kids play video games.
b) Try to get the kids to tidy but end up doing most of it.
c) Shout at them and go on strike.
9. A parent posts a gushing post on Facebook about their child. You . . .
a) “Like” the post and comment with love-heart emojis.
b) Scroll past it. You don’t take much notice of what other families are up to.
c) Roll your eyes and hide future posts from that “friend”.
Mostly As
CRISTALLE SAYS: Children need to be given boundaries but you are a mum who avoids conflict at all costs and you are ducking from your role as the parent.
You are in friendship territory with your kids because you are afraid of confrontation and blame yourself if they step a foot out of place.
Whether it’s instilling discipline at mealtimes or ensuring their safety, you have to step in and be angry at times in order to set some boundaries for them.
Accept that being angry is OK.
Being assertive and compassionate is asking for behaviour that you like and saying no to what you don’t want.
Anger isn’t about punishing your child or throwing blame at them.
You can use it to be clear about limitations and modelling anger in this way can be a valuable lesson for children.
Mostly Bs
CRISTALLE SAYS: You are in the sweet spot of parenting, getting the balance right most of the time between boundaries and discipline.
That means you know how to stay calm.
However, be careful picking battles because your occasional rages put you on a slippery slope.
Do the things that make you angry really warrant that reaction? It is vital to check.
Your kids’ squabbling triggers you but when a situation requires firmness, such as when the safety of your child is concerned, you don’t use it.
Don’t be complacent.
Learning when your anger can be useful in a situation and when your calmness is needed takes practice, so keep working on it.
Mostly Cs
CRISTALLE SAYS: You are in survival mode, feeling constantly triggered by the kids.
It feels like you are under attack and just getting through the day is a battle.
You are not sleeping or eating well or taking time out for yourself.
Take a step back and remind yourself of good times with the kids. Look at happy photos.
Urgent changes are needed, such as asking for extra support from a partner or family member.
Otherwise, the relationship with your kids is at risk.
Parents set examples about how to respond to stressful situations and it is not too late for you.
Rage is a response to stress and burnout, so address the triggers and you are halfway there.