Since I started transitioning, I’ve had sexual feelings for my best friend
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE I started transitioning to a woman, I’ve had sexual feelings for my best male friend.
Last month, we got drunk together at the pub, then went back to my flat, and things took an unexpected turn.
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He told me he wasn’t happy with his wife, we hugged and kissed, and I gave him oral sex.
I am 33, and he is 34. We have always been close since we met at college.
He was the first person I told when I realised I was a woman, and he never judged me.
He has always complimented me and told me how good I look as a girl.
He even agreed to come shopping with me and helped me pick out dresses.
That surprised me a lot because he’s quite a masculine guy — into rugby and football and blokey things.
I never told him how I felt about him but our relationship has become increasingly flirty.
After that night last month, nothing was said. He made out it was a drunken mistake.
Things were a bit awkward between us for a couple of weeks, but have since gone back to normal. But last night, it happened again.
This time, he invited himself over because he said he needed to get out of his flat, as his wife was driving him crazy.
We opened some wine and he asked me to kiss him. I ended up giving him oral sex again.
I don’t know what to do. I feel awful for making him betray his wife — she’s lovely and has also been kind to me.
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But I think I’m in love with him.
Yet if it all goes pear-shaped, I’ll lose my best mate.
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DEIDRE SAYS: You may be falling for your best friend, but the fact is, he is married.
If you get involved with him, not only could it destroy his marriage, but also your friendship.
He has been a great support to you as you transition, and it’s possible your feelings – and his – have become confused.
But regardless of how you feel about him – and he about you – he is not available to be with you.
My support pack Your Lover Not Free explains more about the pitfalls.
The sensible thing to do would be to put a stop to sex with him now.
I think you would benefit from speaking to someone who understands the issues you are dealing with and where you can talk to other people going through similar experiences.
You can find understanding through the Beaumont Society, which provides support for the transgender community (beaumontsociety.org.uk, 01582 412 220).
Another helpful resource is the Gender Trust (gendertrust.org.uk).