I came so close to shaking my newborn baby during my postnatal depression – it terrifies me, reveals Kate Lawler

AS a mother to a newborn baby, all you want to do is care for your tiny bundle of joy and keep it from harm. Your most primal instinct is surely to protect your child from being injured. So imagine Kate Lawler’s horror when, in the depths of undiagnosed postnatal depression, she was so desperate […]

AS a mother to a newborn baby, all you want to do is care for your tiny bundle of joy and keep it from harm.

Your most primal instinct is surely to protect your child from being injured.

Mark Hayman

Imagine Kate Lawler’s horror when she came close to shaking her crying then-two-month-old baby daughter Noa[/caption]

Mark Hayman

This incident was the breaking point for the 41-year-old Virgin Radio DJ[/caption]

So imagine Kate Lawler’s horror when, in the depths of undiagnosed postnatal depression, she was so desperate to stop her then-two-month-old baby daughter Noa crying, she came close to shaking her.

Reflecting on that time, she says: “I remember rocking her, going: ‘Shush, shush.’ But you’re just like: ‘Oh my god, please. What can I do?’ The sound of a baby crying when you’re emotionally drained, when you haven’t slept and you already feel so depleted… you’re lacking energy and you’re hungry and you’re tired and your partner is sleeping next door and you’re thinking: ‘Oh my god, why am I doing this?’”

Despite doting on her daughter, Kate had been struggling with suicidal thoughts since Noa’s birth in February last year, and was shocked that she was on the brink of hurting her.

Writing in her debut book, Maybe Baby, she says: “I remember rushing into the bedroom and literally screaming: ‘I can’t do this any more!’ and I put Noa down on the bed firmly, in a way that made me realise I was so close to shaking her, and I ran upstairs to our loft, so scared at what I’d nearly done.”

This incident was the breaking point for the 41-year-old Virgin Radio DJ. Her partner of eight years, Martin “Boj” Bojtos, 38, insisted she needed professional help.

“I am grateful to Boj for being able to see the signs. I was just not coping. When I had to put her down on the bed, Boj said: ‘I’ve never seen you that broken before. You were on the floor in the loft bedroom crying, saying: ‘I can’t do this any more.’ I don’t really remember it. And that’s when he said: ‘We’re getting help, because you’re so stubborn and think: ‘I can do this,’ but you can’t do it on your own.’”

Kate thinks it’s essential that new mothers have proper support. “In those moments with Noa where I’d been so desperate, so out of my mind, I can see why it’s so important that people have ways of asking for help,” she says.

She also remembers that all the correspondence from the NHS concerning her daughter had featured a reminder to never shake your baby. NSPCC research suggests there have been more than 220 deaths from shaken-baby syndrome in the UK in the past 10 years.

“With depression, you think: ‘I don’t understand why I’m having these feelings when I have so much to be happy about. I’ve got a roof over my head and I’ve got a family and a partner who loves me and I’ve got my dogs and a job, and I’ve got a baby who’s healthy.’ 

“You can’t really understand it, but there were many times when I sat in the nursery feeling so low that I wanted to kill myself. I thought: ‘I don’t want to be here any more. I’ve ruined my life. I’ve ruined Boj’s life.’ And I had never had that before. I started Googling suicide rates in new mums and it’s terrifying.

“Then I was thinking: ‘For so long I resisted the idea of having a child because I knew I would feel like this.’ That was really hard to deal with, because I would feel resentment towards Boj. He is a saint for putting up with me, because I was so miserable. I’m very lucky to have a partner who’s really in tune with how I’m feeling — he can tell. I can’t believe he’s still with me and still wants to marry me.”

Kate credits getting a night nanny three nights a week until she felt better, and seeing a therapist by herself as well as a couples’ therapist with Boj, for turning the situation around. She also used CBD oil before switching to antidepressants and deciding to talk honestly about how she was feeling on Instagram.

“I think we’re seeing a shift towards women being more open and honest about their mental health postnatally. It’s important to have these conversations. I didn’t think it would ever happen to me. I want to normalise having postnatal depression or even just feeling low and like you’ve made a mistake or you regret having the baby, as it’s normal to feel like that. It’s really tough, parenting. I’ve never ever found it easy, even now that Noa has turned one.”

Her approach is clearly working, as sitting with Kate on the Fabulous cover shoot, she’s a world away from that woman who lay broken on the floor, crying.

With depression, you think: ‘I don’t understand why I’m having these feelings when I have so much to be happy about. I’ve got a roof over my head and I’ve got a family and a partner who loves me and I’ve got my dogs and a job, and I’ve got a baby who’s healthy.

Beaming, she gushes proudly: “Noa slept from 7pm to 7am last night and I woke up this morning feeling amazing.  She didn’t wake once – that’s the best she’s ever slept. I kept waking up thinking: ‘Is she OK? Is she alive?’ And then I managed for the first time ever this morning to shower and brush my teeth before she woke up.”

Kate smiles, realising that these small achievements would have seemed insignificant to the former party girl before having a baby. Becoming a mother has been a total life-changer for the Big Brother winner, who was once adamant she was never getting married or having children.

Even though Boj was always keen to be a father, Kate was resolute on remaining child-free and was happy being a “dog mum” to their two terriers, Baxter and Shirley. So much so that she had an abortion after falling pregnant with their baby in 2017 at the age of 37.

Opening up about the termination for the first time, she says: “Boj and I were together for a long time [when she discovered she was expecting]. And I thought: ‘Surely if I’m pregnant now, and we’ve been together four years, I’ll want it? At 37, I’m never going to have a kid if I’m not ready now.’

But it just shows how far away I was from being ready. The difference in my reaction when I found out that I was pregnant that day, to when I found out I was pregnant with Noa – when I was so happy and so excited and knew I was completely ready… 

“Back then I was crying because I was just so terrified at the idea of having a baby at that point in my life. I felt physically sick at the thought of having to do it. A lot of people think that my fear of pregnancy wasn’t legitimate and that I must have wanted kids.”

Kate was also scared that the decision could cost her her relationship with Boj.

“Ultimately, I thought at that time, he would resent me for choosing to have an abortion and would want to break up with me, because he would think: ‘If it’s not now, then when is it?’ But thankfully, he is so understanding and supportive of any decision I ever make. He has just been my rock at every point.” 

Boj and I were together for a long time [when she discovered she was expecting]. And I thought: ‘Surely if I’m pregnant now, and we’ve been together four years, I’ll want it? At 37, I’m never going to have a kid if I’m not ready now.’

Despite being very early on in her pregnancy when she had the abortion and resolute that she didn’t want to go through with the pregnancy, Kate couldn’t help but feel bad about her decision.

“The guilt that comes with deciding to have an abortion,” she says. “You feel incredibly guilty when you know that some of your best friends are on fertility journeys. And there are women out there who would do anything to be in your position. But even with the guilt, I’m a firm believer that all women should have the right to choose.”

Kate had also chosen not to get married, swearing it off despite her love for Boj. So it came as some surprise the following year, when she realised she actually did want her boyfriend to pop the question during a romantic trip to see the Northern Lights in Norway in 2018. Though he didn’t actually do it then. 

So when he did propose in Bruges in 2019, Kate immediately said yes, even though her dad told Boj when he asked for his blessing that she would probably say no!

They turned their ongoing differences on the subject of children into a podcast that same year, called Maybe Baby, in which they discussed the issue with a series of guests and tried to work out what to do. 

But when Kate visited Lister Fertility Clinic in London and discovered she had a low egg count, it shifted something for her, as she contemplated facing the menopause and never being able to have children. 

The couple decided they would start trying on their planned honeymoon. But when Covid forced them to cancel the wedding and reschedule for 2021 (though it subsequently was rescheduled again and is now due to happen on June 11 this year), Kate realised she’d be 41 before they started trying to conceive. 

“If Boj never wanted children, we’d be happily child-free and we would have got another dog. It’s not like I met Boj and then just decided that was it [we will have a baby]. It took seven years of very uncomfortable and awkward conversations. Me trying to stand my ground and say: ‘Look, I was honest with you from the start. I don’t want children and I don’t want to get married.’

“But I guess when you fall in love and you know you’re with the right person, that’s what happens. You want to take your relationship to the next level and then [I was faced with] the reality of finding out that my egg reserve was low and I was hitting 40.”

If Boj never wanted children, we’d be happily child-free and we would have got another dog. It’s not like I met Boj and then just decided that was it [we will have a baby]. It took seven years of very uncomfortable and awkward conversations.

What happened next was, well, Noa, who was born on February 11, 2021, during lockdown, without the support of friends or family – who, under Covid restrictions, couldn’t visit Kate.

“Really, my mind is still blown that I’m here and I have a baby, because I promised myself I never would. I didn’t want to. There are days where I’m really pleased that we have a baby. And there are days where I cry myself to sleep, thinking: ‘What have I done?’ I still go through that,” she says.

Kate admits that now that she is a mother, she thinks back on what might have been if she had not gone through with the abortion.

“I often think about what that little embryo might  have become. Would it have been a boy or a girl? I try not to think about it, as it makes me sad. I’m not saying that if I could go back, I wouldn’t have had [the abortion], because you have to look after your own mental health. But now that I’ve had Noa, I feel like if there ever was a time where I found out I was pregnant again, I don’t know if I could do it [have an abortion].”

Kate, who won Big Brother in 2002, has spent the last 20 years building up her career as a DJ. Like many women, she wanted to focus on her work as well as having fun throughout her 20s and 30s – something previous generations of women wouldn’t have been able to do.

“I love that we live in a world now where women are told we can have it all. But at the same time, it’s really hard to do both. If you really want a career, like I did, I could have paid the price dearly by waiting [to have a baby] a bit too long.”

She is reluctant to dish out advice, appreciating that everyone is different, with some women desperate to be young mums while others prefer to wait until they are older and more secure in their careers.

“If I had tried and failed to get pregnant, I know that I would be telling people: ‘If you want a baby, try now.’ But I think because I was lucky enough to get pregnant, I’ll still champion being child-free for as long as you want to. Focus on your career, if it makes you happy.”

The obvious question for any mum with young children is always: are you planning to have more? But it’s something Kate has ruled out.

“Everyone keeps talking about having another child. It’s a hard no from me. I can’t just have another baby because I worry about Noa being lonely. I can’t believe they [Kate’s friends and family] are asking me. It’s like: ‘Did you see my Insta stories over the last year?’

“Even Boj, who wanted two kids, says: ‘OK, one is enough. I do not want to see you go through that ever again.’ We just couldn’t ever imagine having another child in the mix. And Noa is not going to be an ‘only child’.

“She’s got the dogs and she’s got all her cousins. I’ve got my friends and their kids around us. She’s going to nursery soon. I have no worries that she’s going to be a lonely child. I think it’ll be good to just have one. I think it will save us.”

Mark Hayman

Becoming a mother has been a total life-changer for the Big Brother winner[/caption]

• Text copyright © Kate Lawler, 2022. Extracted from Maybe Baby: On The Mother Side by Kate Lawler, out Thursday (£16.99, Seven Dials). 

 Hair: Dino Pereira using Fudge

Make-up: Lan Nguyen-Grealis using Lancôme  

Styling: Kate Barbour