Heartbreak Isn't Easy, But Here Are Some Healthy Ways To Process It
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There are ups and downs in all relationships, but nothing compares to the feeling of heartbreak. It’s something that people often try to avoid, even when it’s inevitable.
Whether you’ve experienced the end of a romantic relationship, or have lost a close friend, it’s hard to imagine life without someone who was once your everything.
This is the case for this week’s reader, Jacob. “What are healthy forms of dealing with heartbreak?” he asked. “I recently lost a friend I developed an emotional attachment to and don’t quite have the best history with dealing with abandonment / heartbreak or betrayal.”
Counselling Directory member Claire Elmes has some helpful advice that will hopefully be beneficial to Jacob.
Why is heartbreak so painful?
“The feelings you get when you lose someone – whether that is because they have died or you have separated from that relationship – mean our hearts can often feel like they have literally been ripped out,” says Elmes.
“This is because of the way our body and brain work. When we love someone our body secretes dopamine and oxytoxin, our feel good hormones.
“When heartbreak happens, our body changes systems and goes into ‘fight flight freeze’ and our sympathetic nervous system gets activated and releases cortisol. This is the stress hormone and can cause a lot of physiological responses in the body such as sickness, an ‘empty’ feeling, sadness and anxiety.”
What are some healthy ways we can deal with heartbreak?
This will be different for everyone and there is not a one size fits all approach. But Elmes shares the following tips:
“Awareness and understanding of grief cycles can help as you will be able to see where you are in the process and when you shift between different stages.
Self-care is pivotal during the early stages in particular. Making sure you have time to look after and nurture yourself, literally give yourself a hug (sounds strange but releases oxytocin and really does help!).
Create some healthy habits. We have a tendency to wallow, eating everything in sight (or not eating at all), not going on with daily life and just sitting. If you need to do this allow yourself for a short period, but if you can create some good habits you will find you can function much quicker.
Remember you will get waves of grief and sadness and be prepared to ride the waves, distract, talk to friends and family and just accept and allow yourself the time to work through this process.
It might be if you have noticed a pattern with relationship breakdowns that you might need to seek professional help. By seeing a helping professional (counsellor, therapist, psychologist) we can support you to look for the patterns and shift your thinking. By shifting your thinking, you can start to look at the reasons behind the relationship breakdowns and patterns and this will impact on decisions going forward. You might also need support with some trauma focused techniques to help reprocess your past relationships and memories so that they are not in the emotional epicentre. You could have something called EMDR or Trauma Focused CBT to help with this in a structured way.”
What are some signs that we’re overcoming heartbreak?
Elmes believes that over time “the waves of sadness and grief become less and we can start to continue with our lives”.
“At first the heartbreak takes up our whole world. Over time it never goes away, but our world gets full again with other activities and we are able to take stock,” she says.
“When we start to reflect on what has happened, we take the positive memories with us and learn from the relationship and start to gain insight and perspective. It might be that we plan the trip we have always thought about or take time for ourselves a bit more.”
The end of a relationship usually creates a new beginning in some capacity, she adds, so embrace that. “It might be that you start to channel the loss of the relationship and give back to others in some way.”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.