Getting divorced is about to change forever – I’ve done it twice, it was almost impossible & it’s time the law changed
HANDING over £20 for a DIY divorce kit in WHSmith, Vicky Saynor and husband David* thought their short-lived marriage would be over in a flash.
In reality, despite both wanting to end their relationship, what followed was months of legal wrangling and them having to “find” reasons and attribute blame.
Under current law, “irretrievable breakdown of the marriage” must be shown for a divorce to be granted, and that requires proof of one or more of five grounds, including adultery and unreasonable behaviour.
Mum-of-one Vicky, 46, who now lives with her third husband Chris, 46, in Cottered, Herts, says: “I’ve seen how the law can work against you, even when you are in a marriage that is over.
“Through both my first and second divorces, it felt like the law was trying to trip me up. Even when I had a very amicable split with my first husband, the divorce process itself added pressure to the relationship.
“We had to attribute blame so the divorce would be granted. The battle wasn’t with my ex but with the law.”
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Vicky was 27 when she married David in 2003. By their second anniversary, both felt the marriage was not right and they started the divorce process.
She says: “The end of our marriage was amicable. David is a lovely, kind person but we just didn’t see a future together and wanted to divorce quickly so we were both young enough to enjoy lives with other people.
“We bought a DIY divorce kit from WHSmith for £20 and thought it would be a quick process.
“We didn’t want to be separated for two years — which is one of the grounds for divorce — because we wanted to get on with our lives. To divorce sooner, the law required one of us to blame the other.
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“It was ridiculous. There was no blame, we agreed the marriage was over. We couldn’t even work out who to blame so flipped a coin. We had to find reasons. We blamed a lot on my work — I’d just started a new business and David said I was working too much and was never home. We were clutching at straws.”
Their first divorce application was rejected by a judge, which meant the couple had no other option but to dig further for reasons for splitting.
“We had to become even more extreme,” Vicky says.
“David had to say I would go out to work and not come home for days, not telling him where I was.
“The requirements of the law were very specific — we needed to show that David couldn’t possibly continue living with me when my behaviour was so bad.
‘Didn’t have a choice’
“We didn’t have a choice. It was either that or stay married. And although we’re friends now, it put pressure on us as we felt we had to come up with increasingly bizarre reasons.”
Their divorce was finalised in 2008. Far from costing £20, Vicky reckons it cost the couple £1,000. On the rebound, Vicky met Ben* and they married in 2009.
A year later, and after the birth of their son, she knew that the marriage was not right and filed for divorce.
She says: “I was very vulnerable and the marriage was driven by him but, yet again, I was let down by the divorce laws. I wanted the marriage to end, but because Ben didn’t, my hands were tied.”
Vicky had to wait FIVE YEARS — it would have been two if the divorce was wanted by both parties — until the law accepted their separation alone was enough.
The divorce cost Vicky £4,000 and was finalised in April 2015.
When the divorce came through, the sense of relief was huge. I felt free.
Vicky
She says: “Being married to someone who I didn’t want to be married to was very stressful and frustrating. I was stuck in a situation I didn’t want to be in for far too long.
“I wasn’t able to move on and I felt like my life was on hold. I felt trapped. I’d met Chris and wanted to move on. When the divorce came through, the sense of relief was huge. I felt free.”
Vicky, who married Chris in June 2018, adds: “I was very embarrassed about divorce in the past. But the law should have recognised long ago that people grow and change.
“I had breast cancer three years ago and I thank my lucky stars I was with Chris then rather than in an unhappy relationship.
“We should be allowed to say, ‘We had a great time but we’ve outgrown each other.’ It doesn’t have to be acrimonious.
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“Nobody should be stuck in a marriage they are unhappy with because of the cost and the stress involved. The old laws aren’t up to date. They came from a time when women were unlikely to have a career or money.
“Our parents’ generation may have felt they shouldn’t divorce. The change in law is liberating for women.”
*Names have been changed.