My wife found out I’m a secret swinger – can we save our marriage?

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife has discovered I’m a secret swinger and I don’t know how to save our marriage.

I never meant to hurt her but I had needs she could not fulfil, so I tried to satisfy them behind her back.

I’m 47 and she’s 45. We’ve been married for 22 years.

When we first met, our sex life was great.

But over the years it dwindled and got very boring. She only wanted sex once a week, and always the same position.

I have a much higher sex drive and more adventurous tastes.

I’ve suggested sex parties and threesomes but she said the idea disgusted her.

I tried for years to suppress my desires because I love her, and our three kids were young.

But since they have grown up and left home, I had a lot more time on my hands — time to fantasise and go out on my own.

At the same time, her sex drive has dropped even more. She’s lost interest in me.

When I tried talking to her about it, she got upset. So I thought it was easier not to say anything.

I found other women online who wanted uninhibited, no-strings sex. Many were married.

I thought I could play away without my wife knowing but I was a fool.

I’d told myself I was in an open relationship.

Now, naturally, she has found out.

One of the women got a bit keen and rang me while my wife was at home. She became suspicious and I confessed.

She is devastated and feels betrayed, though I assured her it was just physical.

She says if I stop, she thinks she can forgive me and we can try to save our marriage.

But she keeps asking me for details, which just makes her upset and makes her feel sick and unloved.

DEIDRE SAYS: You convinced yourself you weren’t doing anything wrong. But to your wife, you were clearly cheating.

If you love her, you need to stop sleeping with other women and show her how much she means to you.

Stopping the swinging isn’t enough. You also need to fix the issues with your sex life or you’ll be tempted to cheat again.

My support packs Cheating – Can You Get Over It? and Different Sex Drives should help.

You need to talk frankly and ask if she’ll have relationship counselling with you.

Find support through Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960) where online help is available.

Successful relationships require compromise – and that includes in your sex life.

If you don’t think you can manage this, perhaps you need to discuss ending your marriage before you hurt her again.