I finally left my abusive husband but now he’s been diagnosed with cancer

DEAR DEIDRE: I FINALLY plucked up the courage to leave my awful husband but now he has been diagnosed with cancer, I feel like I have to stay.

During our marriage, he has hurt me repeatedly and I now despise him. But how can I walk out on a sick man?

I am 52, he is 57 and we have been married for 28 years. We have two grown-up children.

My husband has cheated on me time and again with different women, gaslighted me, called me vile names and made me feel unattractive and inadequate.

He didn’t want to have sex with me unless he was drunk and only ever on his terms, always about his pleasure.

He had an affair for five years, spending thousands on gifts and holidays for her while I struggled to dress and feed the kids.

And when I was ill, he was never there for me — even when I had a cancer scare.

I forgave him again and again, always sticking by him.

It took me a long time to realise I was in an abusive marriage.

In the early years, I thought I deserved his treatment because I wasn’t good enough.

I pledged to myself I would leave him once my youngest son was independent.

Last year, I started planning my escape.

I told him our marriage was over, got a solicitor and filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery.

Then, just as I was about to start my life again, he learned he had bowel cancer.

He begged me to stay, told me he loved me and needed me, insisting he would change.

I’ve heard it all before. The truth is he just doesn’t want to be alone.

I do feel sorry for him but why should I sacrifice my happiness again for him?

Yes, I made vows. But so did he — and he never kept them.

I am so unhappy. I want to be free of him but how can I walk out on a man in the middle of gruelling cancer treatment?

DEIDRE SAYS: Some would say it is callous to walk out on a sick man.

But this is not a black-and-white situation. You have stuck by him for years, while he has hurt you, abused you and let you down.

Don’t make any hasty decisions. As your current situation under­lines, life is precious and we all need to make the most of our time.

Please talk this through with a counsellor, who can help you to work out what is right for you. Contact Relate (relate.org.uk).

Deciding to leave him would not make you a terrible person – and you could still support him, just not as his abused wife.

You can also find support from Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk).