I thought I failed as a mum when my baby boy was born with no eye socket, nostril or ear – I was struck down with guilt
A WOMAN has told how she believed she’d failed as a mum when one of her twin boys was born with no eye socket, nostril or left ear.
Instead of it being the happiest day of her life, Charlie Beswick described the day her sons were born as “the hardest”.
The doting mother became consumed with guilty after doctors broke the news one of her boys was born with a rare facial deformity.
Charlie, of North Staffs, recalled how she went into labour at 32 weeks before being forced to undergo an emergency caesarean.
She was informed one of the twins was breech and was rushed into surgery to deliver the tots.
But four hours later, her world came crashing down as she had barely begun basking in the bliss of motherhood.
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Doctors told her that while little Oliver was fine, his twin Harry – now both 17 – had been diagnosed with Goldenhar syndrome.
The complex condition, which is present at birth, typically stunts the development of the eye, ear and spine.
And it meant her darling boy was born with no left eye, eye socket, nostril, left ear, a short underdeveloped jaw – alongside a damning diagnosis.
Medics warned the new-mum her baby may have brain damage and never be able to walk, seeing Charlie blame herself.
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She told the Mirror: “I felt like I was underwater. So it was as if I could hear it, but it was garbled, it was only later that I could process it.
“I think it was just the sheer shock of it, it was horrific. Also having my boys was the hardest day of my life, and one of the most traumatic.
“Later, my fiance at the time said all I kept repeating was ‘I’m sorry,’ I was totally zoned out. Instantly, I thought it was something I had done.
“But I was so desperate to find a reason and an answer – and in that, I turned on myself. I was incredibly hateful to myself.”
The twins stayed in special care for five weeks while Charlie was discharged after seven days, leaving her feeling helpless.
She resorted to “expressing milk like a maniac” in a bid to feel as though she was doing something for her boys.
And instead of running around after two newborns, she was left stewing on her thoughts and traumatic birth.
Charlie began to believe her then partner blamed her for their baby’s health woes and told herself she was a “terrible mum”.
She continued: “I was going through the motions with the professionals nodding and smiling in some sort of fog.
“I call that now ‘the lie we wear’ – the big smile we paint on our faces when someone says ‘if anyone can do it, you can’.”
The parents were then informed Harry would be able to walk – but were left “holding their breath” as he underwent further tests.
Their miracle baby was later diagnosed with autism, forcing the couple to reevaluate their expectations of parenthood.
Charlie explained: “It was a huge battle with myself, it was only my failure not realising how gorgeous the twins are.
“Although I could only see my failure, it wasn’t correct. I don’t want that for other mums, I want them to be confident and calm.”
The toll of the guilt and grief she was harbouring eventually took its toll on her marriage, causing her to split from her partner.
She even had to give up her full-time teaching role to prioritise being a full-time carer, before becoming severely depressed.
Charlie’s concerned mother eventually convinced her to see a doctor in 2010, where she was prescribed with antidepressants.
She credits this step as the “turning point” in her life, as she realised she had no reason to feel guilt for Harry’s condition.
The mum-of-two was then inspired to become a mentor to mum’s of disabled children, offering her advice and a shoulder to cry on.
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She has launched a social media community offering support after overcoming her experience.
Harry is now a happy and healthy 17-year-old despite his health issues and Charlie credits her sons as her “greatest achievement in life.”