Jeff Burkhart: All the world’s a stage, left or right

I had entered stage left. Or was it stage right? I have never really understood theater direction, maybe because stage direction is always from the point of view of the performer, not the audience.

But explanations and descriptions, if too elaborate, often serve to only further obfuscate the matter rather than clarify it. Ten instructions on how to make an extra-dry vodka Martini don’t make that drink any clearer. How many instructions are needed for essentially a one-ingredient drink? And no, I don’t count ice or garnishes as actual ingredients. So, all you mixologists out there changing the garnish on a Manhattan and calling it your own, well …

The characters for this nighttime drama (or comedy) had gathered at the pre-shift meeting. The late-arriving bartender had missed a large patch of chin stubble with whatever razor he used. He often had skin infections and nicks, but that’s what happens when you don’t regularly sleep at home.

“My (insert sports car) wouldn’t start,” he said.

Of course, it wouldn’t. He hadn’t had it serviced since he bought it from that cute divorcee three years ago.

All good bartenders are characters. That’s typically what makes them good. But not all characters are the same — or good. Regardless of what you see in trade magazines, not all bartenders have tattoos of the alcohol molecule on their arm, or wear funny hats or suspenders. And beards? Just read your safe food handlers manual for the regulations regarding that. I am not knocking any of that, I am just saying that it is far less prevalent than people think.

But the people gathered at that stage, regardless of the performers, because it really is the performance itself that matters. I once hired a bartender at a live music club. He quit after a few weeks. “I am always looking at the back of people’s heads,” he said, “because they are always looking at the stage.”

For a long time, the words “bar chef” have haunted the industry. And while I understand the point (creating drinks) two things get lost: Chef means “chief,” as in chief of the kitchen, and bartenders are usually more solo operators, and many chefs are known for being notoriously unable to take criticism. Every server has probably had a chef instruct them to tell a customer that “they don’t know what they are talking about.” Ask around, you’ll see. As if that is ever an option when serving the public.

But the show must go on. I know of no restaurant that decides not to open because it’s not ready, whether staffing, food or a pandemic. It can be the Queen Elizabeth 2 or the Titanic, it doesn’t matter — that ship is still leaving the dock.

As much as people go to bars for the people behind the bar, it’s the people in front of it that keep people behind it. Sure, there are characters on that stage, but every night there are characters in front of it, too — date nighters, liquor venders, other bartenders, musicians, actors and even people from the Midwest.

“All the world’s a stage,” wrote the Bard. “And all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts.”

The question is whether anyone is watching. Because in the bar business, people often forget that people are watching them, both from the audience and the stage.

Just once, I would love to have a peace officer come into my bar, show me a picture and ask, “Have you seen this person?” Because guess what? I have. That person just might not know it.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• “When you stare into the abyss, the abyss also stares back at you,” wrote Friedrich Nietzsche.

• People call bartenders “Dr.” all the time. FYI, patient confidentiality does not apply.

• One difference between a psychologist and a bartender is that a bartender can prescribe.

• Fun fact: The penalty for a bartender being intoxicated while working is twice what it is for serving a minor.

• “It’s showtime!” is a line from the Broadway play “A Chorus Line,” about auditioning and performing a role in a Broadway play, told from the point of view of the performers on the stage.

• It was stage left, as it turned out on that night.

Jeff Burkhart is the author of “Twenty Years Behind Bars: The Spirited Adventures of a Real Bartender, Vol. I and II,” the host of the Barfly Podcast on iTunes and an award-winning bartender at a local restaurant. Follow him at jeffburkhart.net and contact him at jeffbarflyIJ@outlook.com