How to sincerely and meaningfully apologize, according to psychologists

• If you've hurt someone you care about, a sincere apology may help repair the relationship.
• Apologizing in a way that truly shows that you've learned from your mistake is an important skill.
• Taking accountability and expressing empathy can help you to apologize effectively.

Knowing when it's time to say "I'm sorry" is a start — but those words alone don't make a complete apology. 

A good apology is one in which you recognize and acknowledge the behavior, recognize and empathize with the other person's experience, and commit to doing something differently in the future. 

"Each of these steps is so important and people get each one wrong in a myriad of ways," explains Marina Gershkovich, assistant professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University Medical Center. 

For example, making excuses or offering a blanket apology can make it hard to distinguish whether you actually understand and take full responsibility for what you did. That's a problem because, "[you] can't repair something if the specifics haven't been acknowledged," Gershkovich says. 

Ahead, psychology professionals offer four steps to make a full, effective apology that helps both sides heal and can deepen the relationship.

1. Hold yourself accountable 

No matter your intention, what you said or did negatively impacted someone else. That's why holding yourself accountable and empathizing with the other person's perspective is key to a meaningful apology. 

"Be vulnerable without getting defensive," Gershkovich says. "It is important to apologize to recognize the impact of your actions on another person; apologies provide a way for us to connect and repair any ruptures in a relationship."

David Helfand, psychologist and owner of the therapy practice LifeWise, also stresses the importance of taking full ownership in an apology. "That connection and bond you create with a good apology is an important first step to healing the relationship," he says.

2. Take action in repairing the mistake you made 

You can't take back what you did or said, but you can work to make things right in the future. Clinical psychologist Pauline Yeghnazar Peck says the critical part is putting an actual plan in place to make things better. 

She suggests saying something like: "I know my actions really ruined the [day]. While we can't go back and change that day, is there something you would like to do now to celebrate?"

She also suggests other phrases like, "I would like to fix this," "I was thinking you might enjoy this," or "What do you think about this?"

Peck isn't the only one who recommends taking some form of action. Leading relationship health researchers at The Gottman Institute have a similar 3-step approach to apologizing:

1. Apologize

2. Forgive

3. Begin again

Once you've done your best to try to repair the issue, Helfand suggests soliciting feedback about how you did. 

He also notes that close romantic partners or family members require more substantial apologies compared to acquaintances. "The deeper the emotional connection, the deeper the repair should be," he says.

3. Avoid phrases like "I'm sorry if…" or "I'm sorry, but…" 

If you want an apology to go over well,  it shouldn't sound conditional in any way. That means avoiding words like "if" and "but" that strip accountability from the apologizer. 

When you use words like this as part of an apology, "the receiver's brain disregards the first part of the sentence and only focuses on the negative," Helfand says.

Leah Rockwell, licensed professional counselor with her own practice at Rockwell Wellness Counseling, advises you to replace "but" with "and." 

"By adding 'and' into an apology, you create an easy way to open and broaden the conversation rather than to close it," she says. "As soon as the word 'but' is present, you are operating from a place of defensiveness." Compare how these two approaches sound:

• "I'm sorry but I hope that you can tell me what you need for us to communicate better in the future."
• "I'm sorry and I hope that you can tell me what you need for us to communicate better in the future."  

The first way places blame and shifts responsibility to the other person. The second way demonstrates openness to the other person's timeline — a far more effective approach.

4. Be sincere 

Sincerity is key to an effective apology, and it's important to be specific and convey emotions. 

"Just saying you're sorry is not good enough usually because we have been conditioned during childhood to offer a fake sorry as needed," Helfand says, "It usually doesn't feel heartfelt in those cases."

Insincere apologies may sound like this:

• "I'm sorry you got mad."
• "I'm sorry the day got messed up."
• "I'm sorry, so can't we just move on?"
• "I'm sorry I missed your birthday, but I was so busy at work."

Whereas sincere apologies sound like this:

• "I'm sorry my off-the-cuff remark embarrassed you in front of your friends. It was thoughtless of me, and next time I'll think more carefully before I speak."
• "I'm sorry that I forgot your big day. Getting wrapped up with work instead of acknowledging your milestone does not align with my priorities nor reflect how much I truly value our relationship. Can I plan something fun to celebrate you next weekend instead?"

And it's not just the words themselves that convey sincerity, but timing, too, Rockwell says. 

"With an apology, timing is really important. If it's too soon, it can feel like you're trying to cross it off your list or shove it under the rug," she says. "Too long, and it can seem insincere or as if you forgot. A genuine apology takes into account the time and place for when, how, and where it happens."

5. If you're not ready to apologize, say so

If you don't feel ready to genuinely apologize, but you'd like to preserve the relationship, Peck suggests coming from an honest, authentic place. 

"If you're not ready to apologize yet, admit it. If you want to preserve the relationship, state it."

Try communicating by saying things like:

• "Our friendship means so much and I know that what happened was really hard for you. It was hard for me too."
• "Before I can genuinely apologize and take responsibility for my part in it, which I want to do and you deserve, I need some time to let my feelings settle so I can see and understand the situation more clearly."
• "I'm not sure how you are feeling. You might be disappointed because you want to talk and resolve things right away."
• "Know I am working on my end of things toward resolution and I will come back and speak to you about it when I have made sense of it. I appreciate you respecting this even if it might be difficult for you. I love and care about you."

What to do if someone does not accept your apology

If someone else is unprepared to accept your apology, understand that it's not their responsibility to change their view just because you are ready to apologize. 

Rockwell says a true apology focuses on the future and health of the relationship: "How we work through these pressures or stretch points can create opportunities for learning about ourselves." 

A true apology also acknowledges the other person's perspective to the best of your ability. Truly empathizing with the other person's point of view can allow you to feel more ready to apologize — and if you can't empathize with their perspective, the apology may not sound, or be, sincere.

If someone forgives you immediately, it can be easier to heal from the mistake you made. But if they don't, there are strategies for coping with the remorse. Acceptance and grace can help you get there.

"Self-compassion is key," Rockwell says. "We are humans, and if we are in a relationship with others, which is inherent to our survival, we will hurt others and make mistakes in our interactions."

She adds that the discomfort of such moments can be a tool for growth. "Though painful, [regret] is another human emotion to work through that can motivate us toward future change or differences in behavior."

Insider's takeaway 

Many people fall into bad apologies by offering a blanket "I'm sorry" statement, or qualifying the apology with words like "but."

Instead, a good apology has five components: You recognize and acknowledge the behavior, you take full ownership of and accountability for your actions, you empathize with the other's perspective, you express sincere regret for causing harm, and you commit to choosing different behavior in the future.