They’re Gonna Collide These Two Oafs Together, Aren’t They? These Two Uncles Just Excitedly Posted On Facebook That They Got A New Job At CERN Even Though Neither Of Them Are Scientists Or Anything

CERN, the European Center for Nuclear Research, is the biggest particle physics lab in the world as well as the home of the Large Hadron Collider, so if you happened to get a job there despite a lack of any scientific training whatsoever, well, it would probably be safe to suspect something fishy was up. Case in point: These two uncles just excitedly posted on Facebook that they got a new job at CERN even though neither of them are scientists or anything.

Holy shit. They’re gonna collide these two oafs together, aren’t they?

Earlier this week, Duane Dillinger, 52 of Boonton, NJ, posted a public Facebook status announcing the news that he’d been hired at CERN. Check out his post below:

Although the two men weren’t Facebook friends, Howie McCoglan, 54 of Wilkes-Barre, PA, found Duane’s status and posted the following comment:

Immediately, Duane and Howie began discussing their new jobs in the comments:

At this point in the conversation, Howie updated his Facebook job status from “Guitar” at “Musician” to “Big money” at “SERN.”

Howie then asked if Duane also got a waiver and uploaded a photo of it, which was covered with food grease, but clearly outlined that accepting this job position meant that you agreed to be “accelerated to velocities approaching the speed of light,” and that in the event of your “near-inevitable death,” CERN would not be held responsible. 

Okay, yeah. They’re 1000 percent gonna put these uncles in the Collider and shoot them at each other. At fantastic speeds.

At least it looks like the two oafs seem to like each other. They were very excited to learn that they would both be working at CERN at the same time.

Strangely, Duane did not reply to Howie’s latest comment. After three days, Howie followed up by tagging Duane, though he mistakenly tagged someone named “Dillon Reblock” first. Duane responded soon after with the following reply:

Oh God. This is so heartbreaking. There’s no way they’re going to make it to Italy after they get collided at CERN. They’re going to crash into each other at such high speeds.

Well, there’s not much else to say here. There’s probably no other reason these men were hired than to climb inside the Large Hadron Collider and die, perhaps forming some kind of oaf particle in the process that the real scientists can study? Hm. In any case, best wishes to Howie and Duane. While it seems almost certain they’re going to die, at least they’re going to die happy.