The lampuki pie riddle – Ranier Fsadni

Where’s the Holy Inquisition when you need it? The online lampuki pie recipe I’d just come across called for processed peas. I stopped reading immediately and pronounced my anathema by closing the window with a contemptuous flick of the finger. 

I’m not alone in being doctrinal about what should go into the pie. The dolphin fish (or dorado) may be found across the Mediterranean, and indeed the world, but we Maltese have strong proprietary feelings about it. 

In divulging my own recipe (to be precise, the matrilineal family recipe I strive to be worthy of), I have encountered many a “hmm” from older matrons, priestesses of other kitchens. Yes, of course no marjoram! But, what, no mint? Did you just say eggs?

They purse their lips with just a hint of a quizzical eyebrow and narrowing of a sceptical eye. It’s a stony politeness rarely seen outside the exchange of signs of peace during Mass. 

One well-meaning reader has tried to save me from myself. On learning I intended to write about the pie, she warned: “Steer clear of giving a recipe! You have no idea what they’ll dig up and throw at you.” (“They” self-evidently being the latter-day Bogumils, Cathars, Waldensians and Hussites,...