Another False Alarm: The Ambulances Outside Henry Kissinger’s House Last Night Were Just There To Explain His First Wet Dream To Him
Seeing emergency vehicles pull up to a 99-year-old’s residence might cause you to jump to some pretty understandable conclusions about that person’s health, but it turns out one surprisingly resilient nonagenarian has defied our expectations yet again: The ambulances outside Henry Kissinger’s house last night were just there to explain his first wet dream to him.
Guess we still haven’t seen the last of this guy!
When we learned that EMTs had been called to the home of former Secretary of State and unconvicted war criminal Henry Kissinger late last night, we assumed the old man’s long life had finally come to a close, but it turns out the only “emergency” they’d been summoned to address was alleviating Kissinger’s panic and confusion over having experienced his first-ever wet dream. Kissinger apparently called 911 in a panic, anxiously telling the police that assailants had snuck into his room to smear him with a “poisonous goo” that was causing his body to induce “a terrible seizing of the groin.” Upon arriving and taking stock of the situation however, medics informed him that he had merely experienced his very first nocturnal emission, adding that while this phenomenon typically starts several decades earlier in most boys, it’s nevertheless a harmless and perfectly normal part of growing up.
The EMTs spent the next several hours patiently fielding all sorts of questions from Kissinger (who remained naked from the waist down the entire time) about his wet dream: Whether he should expect to have wet dreams every night, whether it’s a type of peeing, and whether girl former Secretaries of State like Condoleezza Rice could have wet dreams too. The medics also took the time to helpfully put Kissinger’s stained sheets through the wash and spread up his bed with a fresh set so he’d be able to go back to sleep whenever he finally stopped crying. They even dutifully fulfilled Kissinger’s request to search his house for the ample-bosomed German schoolmarm who had made him feel strange by coyly unbuttoning her blouse at him, gently reassuring him that she was most likely just a made-up memory from his wet dream and not a real person still hiding on the premises. We sort of figured Henry Kissinger would dream about things like the ghosts of his countless Cambodian victims throwing him through the bomb bay doors of a B-52, or at least being extradited to stand trial for his role facilitating brutal state terrorism in Latin America, but apparently he has wet dreams too. As of last night, anyway.
Honestly, we thought it would have been a heart attack or something.
Kissinger may have made it through the night unscathed, but that’s more than can be said for major news outlets like CNN and The New York Times, who were forced to retract overhasty obituaries they’d put up with corrections that Kissinger had actually experienced a nocturnal orgasm instead of dying.
Wow, looks like everyone’s initial read of this situation was way off the mark. It probably won’t be long before Kissinger finally bites it for real, but given that he just had his first wet dream at 99, who knows what other curveballs he’ll throw us first!