My cheating husband blames all our problems on me and takes no accountability
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM gobsmacked that my cheating husband is so in denial – he blames our problems on my trust issues, not his infidelity.
He lied to me over and over again for several years and can’t see why that’s a problem.
I’m 45 and he’s 47. We’ve got two kids, aged eight and five, and have been married for 12 years.
Five years ago, after the birth of our son, he told me he was having second thoughts about our relationship and wasn’t happy.
He was unaffectionate and distant, and seemed to avoid coming home after work. We went through a rough patch and separated for a short time while he decided what he wanted.
We ended up agreeing to try to repair our marriage.
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During that period, I repeatedly asked him if he was seeing another woman, or had been. He always denied it. But the suspicion never went away.
Recently, his friend let slip some information about that time, which made me certain he’d had an affair.
I forced this friend to tell me the truth, and he said my husband had briefly cheated with a woman at work – someone he’d said he was mentoring.
I confronted my husband and he said he hadn’t told me because he wanted to protect me.
He says he’s trying to make our marriage work, but my jealousy and trust issues are jeopardising that.
Since then, I haven’t been able to get this out of my mind.
It’s not the affair that bothers me so much but the dishonesty.
I’ve always apologised for my wrong- doings, but he’s lied repeatedly.
He told me he was sick of being the “villain” in our relationship.
I know that if he won’t accept his part in this, it will ruin our marriage. What can I do?
Some people always play the victim, even when they are clearly the one at fault.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Some people always play the victim, even when they are clearly the one at fault.
It’s easier to blame the other person than to admit they are at fault.
Your husband isn’t being fair. He needs to realise there’s no relationship without trust, and there can be no trust in yours unless he takes responsibility for his lies.
Explain how you feel.
Read my support packs, Cheating, Can You Get Over It? and Relationship MOT, together and think about couples’ counselling.
Sometimes, a neutral professional in a safe space can help you to talk more freely and honestly than you would alone.