Beeb puts the d**k in Dickens and makes Grate Expectations
SOMETHING weird happened right at the start of Great Expectations’ second episode on Sunday night.
Out of nowhere, Mrs Gargery the blacksmith’s wife suddenly announced she was summoning “the beast within”, took hold of a metal fire prod and started spanking the hell out of Mr Pumblechook’s bare arse.
Where this thrashing appears in the original text, I couldn’t tell you.
But it was a bit of a shock as, up until Matt Berry’s rear end surfaced, the BBC1 production had more or less behaved itself, although the warning signs were there if you looked hard enough.
Most of them, in fact, had been flagged up beforehand by the “writer” Steven Knight, of Peaky Blinders fame, who’d rather grandly announced he’d tried to “liberate” Dickens from his 19th Century political constraints (guess which direction that’s going) and imagine what “he’d have written now”.
Self-loathing agenda
A hell of conceit, isn’t it, the idea you can improve Charles Dickens’ tale of ambition, loyalty and love, and also a right old kick in the nuts for the actors who might have imagined it was their performances that would set it apart from previous versions.
Turns out, though, Steven can’t improve Dickens and the arse-baring was just the start of a spectacular production collapse that arrived in three distinct and risible parts during this wretched second instalment.
The first came with a fight between Pip, the main protagonist, and Herbert that went off like early Minder dialogue — “Will you just f***ing stop” — while the third kicked in about 20 minutes later when poor old Olivia Colman’s Miss Havisham re-appeared off her t*ts on opium, another twist which doesn’t feature in the original.
It was the second one, however, that was fatal for me and came with no more warning than we got for the S&M scene when it was revealed the slave trade was alive, well and reasonably unchecked in late 1830s Kent.
In reality, of course, it was banned here in 1807 and Britain spent the next few decades trying to stamp it out across the world.
A heroic campaign which cost many Royal Navy lives but doesn’t begin to fit the BBC’s self-loathing agenda.
So, for the sake of some virtue signalling, slavery was air-dropped straight back into Great Expectations, with only a mumbled disclaimer. No doubt this filled Steven Knight and the Beeb with the emptiest feelings of pride, but there are immediate and damaging consequences for this sort of cut-and-paste wokery.
For starters, it destroys the idea Knight was trying to do anything different or original here, as I’ve seen the same subject crowbarred into everything from local BBC News reports to Waterloo-bloody- Road in recent weeks. The obsession with 2023 issues, of course, also dates the production beyond repeat and disrupts the original storyline to the point some of the actors didn’t seem to have a clue whether they were taking part in a Dickensian drama or an Adam And The Ants video.
All of them suffer to some degree, but the two who have my greatest sympathy are Fionn Whitehead, who’s all at sea playing Pip, and Olivia Colman, who’s been trussed up like Lene Lovich by the costume department and gets lost halfway between Queen Elizabeth (The Crown) and Queen Victoria (the pub).
Not one member of the cast, however, seems to be 100 per cent sure what the hell’s going on, and you can’t really blame them either.
Woke bingo
I’ve watched all six episodes and have only the vaguest idea. Strict rules of the BBC preview service prevent me from revealing further plot specifics, but I can tell you the series proceeds like a game of BBC woke bingo, right up until the sixth episode when Biddy announces she’s joined the Chartist movement, to advance the cause of women, which should have every last remaining viewer gleefully shouting: “HOUSE!”
The bitter end, when it finally comes, is also so trite they could’ve done with Bruce Willis on set to tell Steven Knight: “It’s a bit corny, mate.”
By this time, however, you will be clear about only two things.
Charles Dickens remains one of the greatest-ever literary talents and the BBC is ill.
Righteously, obsessively, terminally ill.
Patsy’s Phil of soaps
QUITE impressively, Patsy Kensit has now appeared in as many soap operas as she’s had husbands. Four.
Emmerdale, Hollyoaks and Casualty have all come and gone but, for the last couple of months, she’s been moving awkwardly around the EastEnders set, with a startled-looking expression about her, playing Emma, the long-lost mum of terminally ill Lola.
Less chivalrous souls have attributed Patsy’s perma-shock to cosmetic procedures, but I prefer to think it’s down to the horrific realisation her character would have to sleep with Phil Mitchell, if she spent any longer than six months here.
For these are the brutally harsh rules governing Kathy, Shirley, Denise, Kat, Sharon, Tracey the barmaid and all other women in Walford’s 40 and over bracket.
Take up permanent residency, you eventually wake up next to Albert Square’s balding colossus with a bad hangover and a lifetime of regret.
Either way, Emma appeared to announce her rather hasty and unconvincing exit last week, when she told Lola: “My boss is relocating to the US. She’s asked me to go with her.”
“Where are you going?” countered a furious Lola. “Beverly Hills? La La Land?”
No. The Elvis Chapel, Vegas. She’s got a friends-and-family rate going there.
See ya on Hollyoaks.
TV name of the week, the exec producer on Channel 4’s deeply unsettling Naked Education, Nicola Streak.
Unexpected morons in bagging area
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “What letter of the alphabet sounds like a small round green vegetable?”
Amanda: “Cod.”
Bradley Walsh: “Which Welsh singer is the main character in the musical Tom?”
Ollie: “Charlotte Church.” The Chase: Celebrity Special, Bradley Walsh: “What flying toy appears on the British Standards Institute official mark?”
Omid Djalili: “Action Man.”
“Kite.”
Random TV irritations
ITV destroying Unforgotten’s legacy with series five’s poisonous party political agenda.
The weird cackling frenzy that grips Gregg Wallace every time he goes Inside The Factory.
Monstrous Carolynne and Lani redefining the word selfish on Tempting Fortune.
The selectively “inclusive” Football Focus devoting lengthy features to the Women’s Super League, Women’s Champions League and Wrexham Women, but not a single word to Scotland’s historic victory over Spain. And Dr Alex George, who achieved the fame he so obviously craved on Love Island, TV’s most heavily waxed show, yet now cuts a bewildered figure on Channel 4’s cultishly creepy Naked Education asking: “Why aren’t we normalising body hair?”
Yeah, I wonder, Alex.
INCIDENTALLY, EastEnders market inspector Honey to the record stall owner: “If you’ve got a 12-inch hidden away, I want to see it.”
As would the Guinness Book Of Records.
Discretion assured.
TV Gold
BBC1’s addictive police drama Blue Lights rapidly turning into my favourite show currently on TV.
Lucy Beaumont accidentally recreating the 1933 Min River landslide with her Bake Off showstopper.
Team Barry Gibb, on Starstruck, who appeared to be Dave Grohl, Frank Worthington and the bloke from The Joy Of Sex books.
An old woman called Cynthia causing glorious live chaos during Ant and Dec’s latest Ding Dong That’s My Doorbell game.
And BBC1 re-running a classic Blankety Blank with Lily Savage, which reminded me of the stunned silence on Paul O’Grady’s America when a US customs official asked the presenter: “Your occupation?”
“I present a quiz show dressed as a prostitute.”
His honesty and populist touch are missed enormously already.
GREAT Sporting Insights. Michael Dawson: “I’m glad I don’t have to face Haaland week in, week in.”
Brennan Johnson: “I’m not going to allegate him of something he didn’t do.”
Dion Dublin: “Italy are finding it hard to get a shoehold in the game.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
ON Late Night Lycett, Birmingham’s most passive-aggressive and least funny TV comedian, Joe Lycett started these dismal proceedings by announcing: “We’re here to end your week on a high and potentially end my career.”
So why not definitely end your career and guarantee ending everyone’s week on a high?
CELEBRITY Hunted, former Detective Superintendent Ray Howard: “If Ed Gamble and James Acaster are good comedians, that requires acuity of thought and a sharp mind. So we can’t afford to underestimate them.”
But they’re not, so you can. Relax.
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the month. Tempting Fortune, Trewley-Precious: “I’m more than just a pretty face.”
Jonathan Ross: “We have the very funny Munya Chawawa with us tonight.”
Saturday Night Takeaway, Dec: “I should probably have told Rylan where the back entrance is.” Not necessarily . . .
Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is Rylan Clark and Dante from Human Resources. Emailed in by Bailey James.