For billions of years people have known the difference between men and women… apparently we’ve been wrong all along
FOR billions of years people have known the differences between men and women. It wasn’t a subject of debate.
But in the last few minutes, some university students with brightly coloured hair have announced that we’ve been wrong all along.
They say that men can get pregnant and that women can have penises.
And it’s all very confusing, especially if you are in a prison, or standing at the urinals.
And now it’s going to get even more confusing, because experts are saying that a rare bird called the great bustard, which lives on Salisbury Plain in Wiltshire, is keen to do sex with a human.
Hunting brought the great bustard to the verge of extinction 200 years ago, but bird enthusiasts are now trying to bring it back, so there are a handful in Wiltshire.
And that’s not enough, it seems, because one of them, Gertrude, is not having any success finding a mate.
She’s looked everywhere but it’s hopeless. She’s even been on bird Tinder.
And now she’s decided that she doesn’t actually need to hook up with a bustard man, because a human man might be better.
You can see where she’s coming from. A human man feeds her bits of bread and tasty snacks. They’re kind to her.
So now she has taken to spending the breeding season in a short skirt, hanging around car parks and picnic sites.
Of course, you may argue that she’s living in cloud cuckoo land and that inter-species breeding is impossible.
But that’s as old-fashioned as saying that a man can’t have a womb.
Certainly, it’s true to say that when animals from two different species get jiggy-jiggy with one another, nothing normally happens.
In Japan, monkeys spend a lot of time pumping away on the nation’s deer. But so far no ape with antlers has emerged.
However, inter-species sex can produce a result. Mules, for example, are produced when horses put on the Barry White and have a spot of sexy time with donkeys.
But two mules will produce nothing at all. Nature is clever like that.
Sometimes, however, needs must. In Northern Canada, a dwindling population of polar bears means these white giants struggle to find mates and have started to have it off with grizzlies.
Which has produced something called the pizzly.
Gorillas and chimps are doing much the same thing. But I bet their off-spring aren’t called gimps.
So yes, it’s possible that, one day, Gertrude the bustard will find a man and that they will have babies.
And then we really will have something to worry about in the nation’s prisons.
Because every time the man-bird is allowed into the exercise yard, it’ll just fly away.
Honey, I’ve cured your hay fever
IT’S weird. We are all sitting around wondering when this relentless cold snap will end and summer can finally get cracking.
But the fact is that, for 20 per cent of the population, summer is an out-of-focus, tear-filled sneeze-fest thanks to hay fever.
I used to suffer quite badly.
I had acupuncture which didn’t work at all and took pills which they said would make me drowsy.
Drowsy? I didn’t wake up until September.
Last year, though, a gnarled old farmer gave me a tip.
Have a teaspoonful of honey, made by bees that have pollinated the plants in your area. And you know what? It worked.
Not just for me, but for all the fellow sufferers who film and produce my farm show.
Hash facts
LOTS of people are running around this week moaning about the fact that a man in Singapore has been hanged for trying to smuggle just 1kg of cannabis into the country.
They say he was a poor man and it was only a small amount and that the death penalty was far too harsh.
Well, yes. I’m no fan of the death penalty either but I don’t run Singapore.
The people who do run Singapore have been saying for years that if you smuggle drugs into our country, we will kill you.
It was completely black and white.
And if you start introducing a bit of “grey”, the next thing you know, you have people saying: “But Your Honour, it was only 10kg of heroin . . . ”
Gillian's odd choice
A LADY contestant called Gillian McKeith has announced she smuggled almonds and salt into the I’m A Celebrity camp.
This has sent everyone into a complete tizzy, and I can see why.
Salt, yes. I get that. It makes food taste better and chefs rarely use enough.
But almonds? Really? What’s wrong with a tube of Smarties?
They’re way more delicious and, er, easier to smuggle, I should imagine.
Bud is woke wreck
IN America, Bud Light is treated by rednecks and Nascar enthusiasts as an elixir.
So when Budweiser decided to put transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney on the tins, everyone in a John Deere hat broke out the Winchesters and the Steve Earle tunes and sales plummeted.
In a heartbeat, a staggering $6billion (£4.8billion) was wiped off the company’s value.
Go woke. Go broke. It really did look for a while that this might actually happen.
In response, the company announced this week that – and I’m quoting – “we have made some adjustments to streamline the structure of our marketing function”.
Which, in America, is woke business speak for “someone got fired”.
I don’t want to take sides on the matter but if Billy Bob and Cletus are looking for a new beer to drink, they could always try my very own Hawkstone, which is way better than Bud Light.
Because it doesn’t taste like p**s.
Two leaders
AFTER footage emerged of South Sudan’s elderly president liberally wetting his trousers as he stood for the country’s national anthem, people are saying he’s no longer fit for office.
Meanwhile, over in America . . .
Booze blues
A SURVEY of all European countries has found that Britain is in the top ten for alcohol-related misery.
What do they mean by this? I drink a fair bit and it almost never causes me any misery.
Quite the reverse, it makes me happy and boisterous and I like it.
Sure, there is the occasional morning when I’m borderline miserable, but after a couple of Nurofen and a Maccy D I’m usually raring to go again.
I guess then, the people who suffer from “alcohol-related misery” are people who can’t get hold of it for some reason.
I’m off to an extremely hot country in the Sahara Desert for the next couple of weeks – it’s 43 degrees celsius out there today – and after we finish work at night we won’t be able to have a beer because of strict religious laws on the matter.
Now THAT will be miserable.