I chose to have a good sex life over becoming a mum… I will regret it as long as I live
A GROWING number of women are choosing to have children later in life, with first-time births among females aged 40-44 doubling over the past 33 years.
But what happens when you risk leaving it too late – and miss your chance altogether?
When Amanda York, a yoga teacher from South East London, met James* their relationship was built on incredible sex.
He did not want children, while she was yearning to be a mum.
But, blinded by lust, she stuck by him, choosing electric love-making over babies in an increasingly toxic relationship.
Now Amanda, 49, reveals her deep regret at not walking away sooner.
SPOTTING James across the room at a crowded singles night, I knew he was my type.
I’d been single for ten years — and at the age of 42, I was ready to finally meet the man of my dreams and settle down.
James was tall, dark and handsome.
We started chatting. I immediately fancied him and we really hit it off.
Eventually he got distracted by a stunning blonde in a tiny corset, so he made his excuses and off he went to speak to her.
I wasn’t too bothered. In fact, I snogged someone else while he was chatting her up, but later in the night I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
At the end of the night, I made the bold move of approaching him again, asking for his number — and we met up the next weekend.
Little did I know it was the start of the biggest mistake of my life, a series of events which would leave me childless at 49.
I’m perimenopausal now and will never have my own kids due to wasting so much time with the wrong man.
I feel like the ultimate cautionary tale — what not to do if you want to create a loving family.
Looking back, I can see why I fell for James.
We clicked immediately.
We shared a sense of humour and both had high libidos.
From then on, life was a whirlwind of sex and excitement.
It was 2015 and I was working at a hotel gym at the time.
Thanks to my staff discount, James and I stayed in a hotel almost every weekend, spending hours making love on luxury bedding and guzzling champagne from the minibar.
He was highly sexed but he was romantic as well.
He knew all the right things to say.
I was swept off my feet.
James — who was in his late 30s — was living with his mum.
That would usually have been a huge turn-off.
I should have listened to my instincts but I was blinded by lust. And then, love.
Things quickly progressed and I began to see a future with James.
He was lots of fun, great in bed and seemed to be falling for me too.
But one day, we were on Hampstead Heath after a lovely lie-in and a morning of great sex.
It was a beautiful day and out of nowhere I felt something so overwhelming within me that I started to cry.
It had dawned on me that I wanted children with James.
Kids had never been on my list of priorities, but now, in my loved-up state, it became clear in my mind — I was 42 and yearned to be a mum.
“Let’s have a baby,” I sobbed.
But he was totally against it and said that we were fine just the two of us.
I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach.
In retrospect I should have walked away then.
But I pushed my feelings aside, instead apologising profusely to him for ruining the day.
The cracks started to appear fairly quickly after that.
But the power of sex is amazing — it changes your way of thinking.
In fact I didn’t think straight at all.
I began to lose myself.
I thought about him constantly, tending to his needs, making sure he was OK and neglecting myself.
I was losing my spark.
And with every passing day, I was losing my fertile years too.
I was sure he would ask me to live with him and I was thrilled when he did.
But I felt he never fully committed to me.
‘I paid the price’
After two years, we split when I realised I needed to prioritise myself.
Only I did the exact opposite.
I was absolutely heartbroken and became depressed, thin and I was drinking a lot.
After a couple of months apart, in a moment of weakness, we got back together.
We didn’t discuss kids at this point.
I was just so low, I missed him and wanted him back.
I realise now it was a huge mistake.
For the next two years, I was a shell of myself.
My friends had enough of me.
I wish they’d been a bit stricter with me.
They suspected James and I weren’t right for each other. But again, the sex . . .
For all the bad times, our sexual chemistry was unmatched and I would try desperately to ignore that gnawing desire for children.
We complemented each other well in the bedroom, he still turned me on and now I see I was blinded by that.
I kept thinking: “We need to get back to a good place. Then he’ll change his mind about kids.”
But he never did. I tried to build myself back up, I began working on my body, which by that point was tiny, and I even entered a national bikini competition called Galaxy Girls, which I won.
But my self-worth was at an all-time low.
As I edged closer and closer to menopause I could feel myself panicking that we’d never have kids and I’d never become a mum.
The end of our relationship, five years after we met, was very simple.
I’d booked a yoga workshop, which we were due to go to together, and he cancelled at the very last minute.
For me, it was symbolic of our whole relationship — and I was fed up of feeling anxious and disappointed.
I realised he’d do whatever he wanted. And if he didn’t want kids, we wouldn’t have them.
All of a sudden, I was done.
The ache I had in my heart, the yearning for a baby, didn’t disappear just because James did.
I kick myself every day, wondering what had possessed me to stay.
But I learnt from my doctor there are other ways to have children.
I realised I don’t need a man to become a mother and it was only then that I started to look to the future.
I am now 49, so I know my chances of having a baby naturally are incredibly slim.
I’m trying to get my finances straight so I can foster children instead.
There are so many orphaned children out there that need a home and I know I’d be an amazing mum.
I’ve been largely single since splitting from James.
I can’t be bothered with a man.
I gave myself wholeheartedly to someone and ended up disappointed.
I stayed longer than I should have, and I paid the price.
These were my fertile years and now I’m alone and childless.
I try every day to look on the bright side.
I focus on my health and yoga and even got into burlesque.
I did a lot of work on myself and I’m living my life in the best way I can.
My message to other women really is: please don’t waste your time.
Men can move on and have their own kids with younger women, but we don’t have that option.
Don’t ever let sex cloud your judgment — or you could regret it for the rest of your life.
- James’s name has been changed.