I broke my lover’s heart and now she lives in my head rent free
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER I chickened out of leaving my wife, my ex-lover sent screenshots of our messages to her.
I was furious, but now I realise how much I hurt this other woman and want to apologise.
I’m 44, she’s 36 and my wife is 43. I met my lover at a work event and we exchanged phone numbers.
I didn’t intend to have an affair — she was married too — but she was gorgeous and very keen on me.
We met a few times and slept together.
I pushed away my feelings of guilt because I was strongly attracted to her.
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My marriage had grown stale, and being with her felt fresh and exciting.
Sex with my wife had become dull and routine, while this woman made me feel like a young man again.
My lover said she would leave her husband for me, so we could be together properly. She was unhappy and they don’t have kids.
But I have two teenage daughters and I realised leaving my wife meant breaking up my entire family.
When it came to the crunch, I couldn’t walk out on them.
However, my lover had already told her husband about me and they had agreed to separate.
She felt I had misled her and she was understandably upset and angry.
Two days after we split up, she forwarded all our messages to my wife, saying she thought that she should know about our affair.
My wife was devastated but we agreed to stay together and work on our marriage.
Six months on, I feel awful about how I treated my ex-lover and I want to tell her how sorry I am. We’re not in touch but I’m considering writing her a letter.
Would this be a good idea?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Writing to your ex-lover may ease your conscience, but it won’t help this woman, who is trying to move on with her life. It will simply stir up old emotions.
And if your wife finds out, she may feel betrayed again and question whether you are fully committed to her and repairing your marriage.
Some things are better left in the past.
Read my support pack, Feeling Guilty, and think about having some counselling so you can talk through your feelings.
My support pack on this will tell you more.
If you are still thinking about your ex-lover, your marriage may need professional help.
Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org) to arrange some couples counselling.