The Rules of Flaking on Plans

Atlantic writers explain how to do it kindly and gracefully.

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Over the years, my fellow Atlantic writers have published many bold arguments. But the case Ian Bogost made this month is perhaps one of the bravest in recent years: Flaking on plans is not so terrible, he argued. I likely found Bogost’s claim so controversial because I was a flake in earlier eras of my life, and the feedback I received suggested it was not a good thing. But Bogost’s philosophical case was quite sensible: “Flaking, taken selectively, allows you to acknowledge that life is porous,” he writes. “Errors seep through its gaps.”

Still, there are rules for flaking kindly and gracefully. Today’s newsletter explores the art of canceling plans, as well as the logistical woes that can make the act so unavoidable in the modern era.

On Flaking

How to Flake Gracefully

By Olga Khazan

An introvert’s guide to canceling without losing your friends

There’s No Shame in Flaking

By Ian Bogost

Embrace chaos. Don’t show up.

Podcast: What Do We Owe Our Friends?

By Julie Beck and Becca Rashid

A culture that prioritizes romance and family relationships can push people to undermine their friendships.

Still Curious?

• The scheduling woes of adult friendship: To avoid the dreaded back-and-forth of coordinating hangouts, some friends are repurposing the shared digital calendar, a workplace staple, to plan their personal lives.
• Why you never see your friends anymore: Being busy is eliminating the joys of shared free time.

Other Diversions

• Bama Rush is a strange, sparkly window into how America shops.
• What happened to Wirecutter?
• A crush can teach you a lot about yourself.

P.S.

In 2019, my colleague Olga Khazan described a creative approach to managing her flaking habit: She’d send her boyfriend to “social engagements in my stead, like a sad foreign minister from Flake Nation.” I’ll leave you with this option to sign one of your loved ones up for a very awkward political appointment.

— Isabel