Harriette Cole: Our marriage is just one long fight. How do I fix this?
The next day, he acts like nothing happened, but I can't do that.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I just had a huge fight with my husband for the gazillionth time.
The arguments all seem to blur together after a while. We say the same things, yell about the same topics and resolve nothing.
The next day, he always acts like nothing happened, but it is hard for me to let go of the fact that he was cussing me out or belittling me the day before. He says I interrupt him all the time and blame him for everything.
I don’t see his side at all, and I can tell he doesn’t see mine. When I have asked him repeatedly about going to counseling, he vehemently refuses, even though he used to go to counseling himself years ago.
I am at my wit’s end. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. If I say the wrong thing, he will explode. How can I go forward in peace?
— No More Eggshells
DEAR NO MORE EGGSHELLS: Just because your husband won’t get counseling doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Get some help sorting through your issues.
A professional therapist should be able to listen to you, ask questions that get you thinking and make recommendations for healthier ways to engage with your husband. If you begin to change the way that you interact with him, it may prompt change on his part as well.
As you have experienced, an escalating argument is rarely the way to solve problems. Seek help to learn other strategies for effective communication with your husband. As you see results, invite your husband to join you.
DEAR HARRIETTE: This year has been challenging for me. I started having heart palpitations and couldn’t figure out why. After a bunch of tests, the doctor could not necessarily pinpoint the root cause of my problems, but he did tell me to stop drinking coffee because it seems to make my heart race.
The thing is, I absolutely love coffee, and I haven’t been able to follow my doctor’s orders. I do feel my heart racing sometimes after I drink it, but I still can’t help myself.
I don’t want to create a major health problem for myself. I stopped doing the other things that the doctor warned me about. Why can’t I keep just one vice?
— Addicted to Coffee
DEAR ADDICTED TO COFFEE: You have to come to terms with your reality. Sure, it may be hard to break a habit that you enjoy so much. But is it worth risking your health and possibly your life? Think about that seriously.
Talk to your doctor about alternatives. Find out if decaf coffee or a half-and-half mixture of regular and decaf is an option for you. There are also teas that have a rich flavor that is similar to coffee but that aren’t as full of caffeine.
Until you have figured out exactly what is going on in your body, you should follow your doctor’s advice. To learn more about the causes of heart palpitations, read this: hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/palpitations.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.