Families come in all shapes, sizes, and situations. Some are blessed enough to have a simple set-up and loving atmosphere, while others deal with a more complex (or worse – borderline toxic!) situation. 

Despite the complexity of each circumstance, though, what really matters most is if the family members strive to love and accept each other. Case in point: blended families or stepfamilies who care for each other, whether they’re biologically-related or not. 

Whether your family is just transitioning into this kind of structure, or has already been a blended family for a while, the changes in relationships, boundaries, and rules can be adverse to everyone involved, especially to the children, if not dealt with properly. It may not be easy for children to understand the concept of having more than one set of parents, or having a sibling that is the same age as them. 

Rappler interviewed with Registered Psychologist Rac General from mental health organization MindNation on the subject of blended families, and how parents can ensure the welfare of their children in this set-up. 

Blended family: What it is and the stigma around it

According to Rac, blended families or stepfamilies are a “family structure that forms when one or both parents in a family have children from previous marriages or relationships and come together to form a new family unit with their new partner.” 

She said that adopting this kind of family structure is usually due to separation, death of a spouse, adoption, and other arrangements and conditions that involve culture, decision, money, or opportunities. 

Notably, for family structures like this, children may be biological or adopted, and they live together with one or both of their biological parents and one or more step-parents. 

While this kind of family structure is becoming increasingly more common in these modern times, it still faces certain stigma, especially for a highly religious country like the Philippines. 

Rac noted that religious and traditional views of family structures often lead to stigmatization or disapproval of blended families, particularly when they involve separation or remarriage. She added that there’s also a misconception that blended families are inherently more complicated and dysfunctional than traditional nuclear families. 

Because of these misconceptions and ways of thinking, some children tend to grapple with questions about their identity, as well as their relationships with their parents and relatives.

Children in blended families

In a blended family, Rac noted that it’s usually the children who will go through quite an adjustment, with some even having confusing thoughts about their own identity. This is why it’s important for parents to aid their children through this transition period properly. 

It’s best for parents to initiate conversations with their children about adding someone new into their family first, instead of just surprising them by telling them that a new person will now serve as their new parent. 

“Choose a time when you and your child and/or ex-partner are both relaxed and not rushed, allowing for an open and unhurried discussion,” Rac suggested. The depth of these discussions about letting another person into your family, she said, also depends on the age of the children. Rac pointed out how younger children may need simpler explanations, while older children can handle more complex information.

Parents should also understand that discussions on this matter won’t necessarily be a one-time thing, as the children may take some time to fully process the changes and accept the concept of being in a blended family. Rac’s advice is to just be patient and allow the children to adjust at their own pace. 

Aside from the changes in their parental figures and family structures, children can also face several other challenges. One of this is adjusting to a greater number of siblings, step-siblings, or family members. This could potentially lead them to close off or purposefully isolate themselves.

Another challenge revolves around perceived loyalty, such as feeling torn between their biological parents and their stepparent/s, which usually leads to loyalty conflicts and guilt. Some children might also feel left out or think they’re not getting enough attention, while others may feel confused about their relationship with the rest of their family. 

“It’s important for parents and stepparents in blended families to acknowledge and address these challenges with sensitivity and understanding,” Rac said. 

Ideally, children in a blended family set-up should experience a range of positive feelings and attitudes that contribute to their well-being.

“They should feel accepted and included, respected, secure, and have a new sense of belonging, and even confidence,” she explained. 

Parents’ crucial role in this family structure

For children to develop these positive feelings and attitudes, Rac emphasized how parents, stepparents, and caregivers can create a supportive and nurturing environment through constant open communication, acts of service, and quality time. 

“Building a positive blended family dynamic is an ongoing process, and clear and compassionate communication is key,” she said. “Creating an environment where the child feels heard, valued, and loved is essential for a smooth transition into the new family structure.”

But how do parents go about this? Rac listed some tips on how parents can prioritize the child’s emotion and well-being: 

• Let the child know that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions, including confusion, sadness, or even anger. Acknowledge and validate the child’s feelings, even if they are negative or resistant. Explain that it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions when going through significant changes. 
• Have these conversations in a safe place where the child won’t feel pressured or rushed to accept the set-up or feel happy about it. Be open about your own feelings and experiences related to the new family set-up as this can create a sense of empathy and connection. 
• Respect the child’s personal boundaries and physical space. Allow them to set the space for physical affection and closeness. If you’re a stepparent, don’t try to replace the child’s biological parent. Instead, focus on being a supportive and caring adult figure in their life. 
• Depending on their age and maturity, involve the child in discussions about family plans and routines, so they feel a sense of control and inclusion in the new family dynamics. If your child expresses concerns or issues, work together to problem-solve. Include them in discussions about how to make the family set-up more comfortable for everyone. 
• Always keep the child’s best interest at the forefront of discussions and decisions. Focus on what is best for the child’s emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. Minimize negative interactions or conflicts in front of the children. Avoid blaming or criticizing the child’s other parents or making negative remarks about the previous family situation.
• Parents should also take time to work on self-awareness and self-regulation. Negative feelings about the new family set-up could be displaced to children. Being aware of one’s emotions and regulating them could be helpful in the process of guiding the children adjust to changing family dynamics. 

Being self-aware and having a united front with your co-parents/caregivers is a must, as this consistency and cooperation can benefit the child. Rac pointed out that children can be adversely affected when they constantly witness ongoing tension between their parents and/or caregivers. 

And while it’s easier said than done, Rac reminds parents to be flexible when it comes to their rules and arrangements, such as visitation schedules, when possible. But if conflicts or disagreements persist and have started negatively impacting the child, parents should consider involving a family therapist or counselor to help them regulate their issues. 

Although it may sound complex and like a lot of work, Rac also highlighted that a blended family (when done right) can be beneficial to the children. 

“Having a blended family, especially when coming from families of unideal or even challenging backgrounds and past, can foster a new sense of hope and healing,” Rac said. 

When parents and stepparents have better relationships with each other, they can serve as models for healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. Children can witness these positive interactions and learn by example. 

Additionally, children in blended families will also gain additional sources of emotional and practical support from their stepparent/s and stepsibling/s. As a blended family, they can also establish new and exciting family traditions and practices that promote a sense of unity and belongingness among all members. 

Compared to the stigma surrounding blended families, Rac stressed that this kind of family structure can offer children exposure to different family traditions, values, and ways of life that can broaden their perspectives. – Rappler.com