I’m a relationship expert – how to get over your ex in just 10 days and why stocking up on bananas is key
HEARTBREAK can be a bitter pill to swallow, with more than 80 per cent of us struggling to get over a split.
A host of celebrity couples have called it quits in recent months, including pop star Joe Jonas and actress Sophie Turner, singer Britney Spears and husband Sam Asghari and actor Hugh Jackman and wife Deborra-Lee Furness.
It’s been proven that break-ups can spark anxiety, depression and a loss of motivation.
But how do you move on quickly, with as little pain as possible?
Relationship expert Kate Taylor reveals how to fast-track your recovery by getting over your ex in just ten days.
DAY ONE – TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW
HIDING away is tempting, but it doesn’t help you heal.
Reach out to friends, family, even kind-looking people on the bus, and tell them what happened.
Why? Talking about a split has been proven to aid recovery.
People who discuss their break-up retain more of their “self concept” — that is, the belief that they are whole and worthwhile without a partner.
Also, your body will be craving attachment, and it’s healthier (and less messy) to attach yourself to friends now, rather than your ex, or anyone who looks a bit like them.
DAY TWO – SCRUB YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA
DON’T try to look cool by staying friends on social media.
Block, delete, unfollow.
A study from Western Ontario University found that staying friends with your ex on social media slows down the recovery process.
Why? Romantic relationships trigger the same cravings in our brains as drugs do. To quit, you must go cold turkey.
While you’re detoxing your social feeds, remove photos of your ex from your house, and return any of their possessions.
Even sleeping in their old T-shirt can keep you addicted, because their smell triggers your body’s production of oxytocin (the bonding hormone).
DAY THREE – CLEAN YOUR FRIDGE
WHILE you’re decluttering your Instagram, grab your Marigolds and deep-clean your house.
And I mean, really go for it. Zoflora your curtains, Hoover your ceilings, dust behind the washing machine.
According to research published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, a messy or cluttered home increases your levels of cortisol.
That’s the chemical we release when we’re stressed and upset.
Find the life-changing magic of tidying up, by having a massive clear out and creating a calm, ordered home.
For extra magic, use feng shui to activate your love life.
Find the south-west corner of your home and place a mirror there, or a lamp.
DAY FOUR – EAT A BANANA
NOW your fridge is clean, fill it with foods that help you heal. Not ice-cream, pizza and wine.
Your body produces most of its happiness chemicals in your stomach, not your brain, so what you eat will hugely affect how you feel.
For happiness, eat fruit.
Bananas contain tryptophan, a chemical that helps to stabilise your mood.
Apples have a calming effect, and berries contain an ingredient that has a chemical similarity to valproic acid, a prescription mood-stabilising drug.
DAY FIVE – FOCUS ON THEIR FLAWS
IT’S about this point in a break-up when your ex suddenly seems to be the most perfect, irreplaceable human ever to have walked the Earth.
To avoid sanctifying their memory, make a list — in graphic, miserable detail — laying out every one of their faults, and everything that was wrong in the relationship.
This isn’t sour grapes, it works — a study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology tried a few different strategies to help people get over their ex.
By far the most successful was “negative reappraisal”, where people were made to catalogue everything that was wrong with their ex.
If you can’t think of any faults, ask your friends to help.
You’ll probably be horrified how many bad things they can list in under a minute.
DAY SIX – GO ON A DATE . . . WITH YOURSELF
JUMPING straight into another relationship, or just into a different bed, feels like it will soothe your soul, but research has found it doesn’t.
Sorry! People who leap into rebound relationships are still miserable, but with sheets to wash and a new partner to stress about.
Instead of swiping, take yourself on a date.
Only one rule: Do something new.
Your brain is missing its loved-up dopamine fix, so you’ll have to boost it yourself by doing fresh, novel things, such as seeing a new movie, try a different coffee shop, or buy a new top.
DAY SEVEN – TAP YOUR FOREHEAD
AS your break-up reaches its first week anniversary, you’re probably slapping your forehead as you remember some of the most cringe-worthy parts of your split.
But instead of face-palming, try tapping.
Emotional tapping has been proven to help release you from food cravings — and if it can wean you off a double-chocolate cupcake, it can get you over even the tastiest ex.
Picture your ex’s face, then tap your forehead for 30 seconds.
Now think about your ex again.
They should seem less appealing.
Try this three times a day, or if you’re tempted to text them.
DAY EIGHT – GIVE BLOOD
OR volunteer at a homeless shelter, donate money to a charity, or help out a friend.
(Bonking your ex doesn’t count.)
The more good you do for other people, the happier you’ll feel.
A study published in PsycNet revealed that there are two types of loving actions — prosocial actions (acts of kindness for other people) or self-oriented (doing nice things for yourself).
In a six-week study, the people who focused on doing good things for other people experienced much greater increases in happiness than the people who only did good things for themselves.
DAY NINE – GO FOR 90-MINUTE WALK
IF you really want to cheer yourself up, pull on your walking boots.
Going for a long hike among trees and nature has been shown to hugely lift your spirits.
Walking in urban areas doesn’t work, so borrow a dog and explore somewhere leafy.
Getting out and about in the countryside for 90 minutes has been found to decrease rumination — that’s when you compulsively brood over negative thoughts — and decreases activity in the parts of your brain that focus on emotions.
DAY 10 – HAVE A ‘BREAKOVER’
GOOD news: Having a break-up haircut does make you happier.
Northwestern University in America discovered people who gave themselves a makeover after a split did feel better about themselves, probably because it was a way of showing the world they had moved on.
So book a salon visit or start work on your revenge body.
But don’t do anything drastic or permanent.
Researchers have long suspected intense, negative emotions impair our self-regulation skills, leading to self-defeating behaviour.
So it’s probably not a good idea to get a new tattoo immediately after a break-up.