My marriage is on the brink of despair because I’m helping my troubled daughter
DEAR DEIDRE: MY marriage is on the brink of despair because I’m constantly paying out for my daughter’s mistakes.
My 25-year-old daughter often calls to ask for a favour and my wife, who I’ve been married to for ten years, is fed up with it.
I’m 66 and my wife is 65. We’re recently retired, and being the long- sighted woman she is, my wife drew up plans for how we would spend our time in this stage of our lives.
They include proposals to sell up and move away, so we can enjoy a year or two travelling.
We’ve always been the adventurous type but I often feel grounded by my responsibility to my daughter.
Six years ago my ex died of ovarian cancer and my daughter has never come to terms with the loss of her mum.
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She can’t seem to hold down a job. This was causing friction at home and the relationship between my wife and my daughter broke down.
In an effort to ease the tensions I secured a flat for my daughter and I pay the rent on it.
But already she has broken the tenancy agreement by having late-night parties and she has been issued a fine.
My wife went ballistic when she found out I paid the fine.
I’ve postponed our retirement plans and now my wife thinks I’m a pushover.
Why can’t she understand that I’m all my daughter’s got?
I can’t just stand by and watch her sink. My wife seems to think that I’m pandering to my daughter and only making matters worse.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife is right in one way.
How will your daughter learn to stand on her own two feet if you continue to bail her out?
However, your wife needs to be prepared to support you with your responsibilities.
Marriage is about negotiation. Find a quiet moment to sit down with your wife to find a healthy compromise.
The loss of your daughter’s mother must have been extremely painful and she may need some help managing her grief by working through her emotions with a counsellor. My support pack
Bereavement explains more. Begin to set some boundaries with your daughter by explaining any financial help will be a loan that needs to be paid back.
My support pack Standing Up For Yourself may help you to get the message across to them.