Ask Amy: Spouses air (but don’t wash) dirty laundry

Dear Amy: For as long as I have known my wife (20 years), she has been reluctant to do the laundry.

I politely ask her to do it, and she tells me that she will.

However, two days later, dirty clothes are still piling up.

To be fair, she follows through about 20 percent of the time.

She works part-time outside the home, and I work full time from home.

She has plenty of time in her day to do the laundry. Instead, she chooses to watch videos on her phone for hours on end.

I used to think it was just a personality quirk. But after two decades, I feel she is taking advantage of me.

The root of this issue is not laundry, of course. It is trust, which has been shaken to the point that it threatens the integrity of our relationship.

How can we move forward?

– Wits End in Wisconsin

Dear Wits End: If your wife agrees to do something and then doesn’t do it, then I agree that she is at the very least unreliable. Some of your disconnect, however, might have to do with timing. She’ll do it when she wants to – not when you want her to.

But because you value having an empty laundry basket, I suggest that you should stop politely asking your wife to do it, and just do it yourself.

If you have a washer/dryer in the home, laundry is one of the easiest household chores to do. (Yes, your wife can even do laundry while watching videos on her phone.)

In my household, we each take responsibility for our own laundry. If someone else has dirty clothes to make up a full load, you toss whatever is in the basket into the machine and transfer it to the dryer when you’re passing by.

So yes, I assume that this laundry issue really is about other things, but – if you take care of your own clothes, it would be impossible for you to feel taken advantage of. This would remove one stressor in your relationship.

I assume that you are perhaps frustrated because you work full time while your wife works part time, and – unlike many full-time workers, you are home to witness your wife’s day. And – it must be pointed out that most of us don’t want others to witness and sit in judgment on how we choose to spend our time.

You two might sit down together to revisit both your professional and domestic responsibilities. I hope there are ways to re-balance both.

Dear Amy: My husband and I were far-off neighbors to an eccentric and very talented painter. We truly loved and admired his work and bought several pieces from him.

He and his wife had one child, who seems to be as eccentric as his father. He is middle-aged. He is very nice, but does not have a fixed address or live in the area.

After the artist’s death, his wife moved into a nursing facility. The son (along with his mother) reached out to us to see if we could take in the work that the artist had left behind.

We agreed.

We went to his studio and discovered a treasure trove of hundreds of pieces – framed, unframed, and in various styles. We immediately offered to purchase several dozen of these pieces – and to preserve them – and the widow and son agreed and were delighted.

We mounted a show of this work, which was well attended (including by his widow and son). This artist’s work was viewed and appreciated by many people, and is still on display locally.

We offered to take in and store the remaining work (hundreds of pieces), when their property was sold.

Now, more than 10 years later, the widow has died. We are thinking about selling our own place and don’t know what to do with the stored pieces.

Your suggestion?

– Holding

Dear Holding: Contact your lawyer, as well as the son.

I take it that these pieces still belong to the artist’s family. You should make every effort to involve the son and work with him to convey this work safely to another location. Your local university might be interested in acquiring this work.

Dear Amy: I know that people are weighing in on the burden of hosting Thanksgiving. Several years ago we started hosting our family dinner at a restaurant.

It was the best decision we ever made!

– Rested

Dear Rested: Many readers respond that they are doing the same.

But – what about the leftovers?

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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