Eight saucy secrets shared by a sex therapist – from armpit sniffers, to late-life virgins & healing power of sex clubs
IF you want some sex therapy – just turn on the telly.
The fourth and final season of Sex Education — starring Gillian Anderson as therapist Jean Milburn — is a Netflix hit, while Rylan Clark’s Channel 4 show Sex Rated sees exes discuss each other’s bedroom antics.
Open House: The Great Sex Experiment, also on Channel 4, sees couples explore having a more open relationship, and soon, Killing Eve’s Jodie Comer will star in HBO’s Big Swiss, about a woman who lands a job transcribing sex therapy sessions.
But what is it really like to get a window into the sex lives of strangers?
According to one real-life sex therapist, whose identity we are keeping secret, confessions range from eye-popping to heart-breaking — but they are always illuminating.
Our insider says: “I first started work as a sex therapist 15 years ago. I have enjoyed the experience so much — and I’m passionate about helping people with the problems in their sex lives.”
Here, she reveals eight surprising things she has learnt while quizzing Brits about their life in the bedroom . . .
SEX NEEDS TO BE DIRTY
COVID threw a spanner into our sex lives, as many of us became scared of sharing germs when making love.
One of my clients, Jo, 45, contacted me after the pandemic triggered her germophobia.
She wouldn’t touch her partner until he sanitised every part of himself. Jo even forced him to use anti-bacterial mouthwash before kissing.
Her partner got so fed up he stopped initiating sex — and eventually cheated.
I helped Jo overcome her fear of germs with one-to-one talking therapy.
She forgave her partner, rebuilt her relationship and they are now having the best sex of their lives.
She even discovered she loves the smell of her partner’s armpits.
THERE ARE MORE LATE-IN-LIFE VIRGINS THAN YOU THINK
MORE young people are choosing to wait to have sex.
Between 2009 and 2018, the proportion of adolescents reporting no sexual activity rose from 29 to 44 per cent.
Sam, 27, reached out to me as she had never had a romantic relationship.
She craved intimacy and was being teased by her peers.
I found out that she had spent years avoiding masturbation due to the strong religious beliefs of her parents.
Using hypnosis, I helped her to lose her shame around intimacy and she started to explore solo sex.
Very soon after, she got her first partner. Now they are making up for lost time as she discovers the joy of sex.
CHEATING DOESN’T NEED TO END A RELATIONSHIP
FOR many of the men I have worked with, the biggest cause of infidelity is when intimacy dwindles.
For women it is a lack of emotional connection.
Sarah and Tom, in their mid-thirties, had been together for five years when they visited me.
Tom had admitted to cheating after being caught out on his mobile.
In turn, distraught Sarah slept with someone else upon finding out about his infidelity.
This sounds irreconcilable, but amazingly they rebuilt their trust with open communication.
They decided they had let their sex life fizzle out, so now they keep things spicy with vampire cosplay.
YOU CAN’T FORCE SOMEONE TO DESIRE SEX
LIBIDOS change throughout our lives for various reasons.
Rory, a client in his 50s, blurted out that he wanted his wife Fiona to be hypnotised into wanting more sex.
I had to tell him firmly that this does not work. Even if it did, it would be completely unethical.
It transpired she had been struggling with low libido due to menopause and was feeling unsexy and disconnected.
Sex had dwindled as a result.
But communication got the couple on track, with Rory bringing the romance back with flowers and thoughtful gifts.
SOME FIND THEIR TRUE SEXUALITY LATER IN LIFE
COUPLE Jen and Tom, in their early 30s, had become bored in their relationship.
They decided to try a threesome, something I recommend clients to think very carefully about, as it can break relationships.
They met a woman in a nightclub who agreed to the arrangement.
When they got home, it became apparent she was a bisexual feminine-looking male.
Tom engaged with him, at first feeling unsure. But he soon found he enjoyed receiving pleasure from him.
After the encounter, Tom was struggling to realise he was bisexual, but a few more encounters with different group-sex situations led him to embracing it.
The couple are still happy and adventurous.
SEX PARTIES HAVE HEALED A RELATIONSHIP
ZACK, one half of a couple I helped, had been enjoying a promiscuous life- style for years.
He met his match in Melanie, also a fan of no-strings love-making.
They started a monogamous relationship. They had been trying to fit the mould that society expects with exclusive dating, but came to me miserable.
Despite lots of adventurous sex as a couple, they felt unfulfilled.
I suggested trying a sex club.
They loved the shared intimacy and fun and it was key to them rediscovering their passion. They are now non-monogamous and very happy.
THERE ARE SOME VERY UNUSUAL FETISHES
BILL came to see me alone, embarrassed about his obsession with women biting their nails.
The very sight of a woman nibbling her nails was enough to turn him on, and he was full of shame for what he thought was “wrong”.
But I assured him that onychophilia, or fingernail fetishism, is nothing to be ashamed of.
At the same time, his wife caught him secretly watching nail-biting videos.
He admitted his fetish and now his mildly amused wife helps him indulge, by pretending to nibble her nails during sex.
YOU CAN LEARN TO ORGASM
SINGLE Emma, in her late 20s, told me she’d never had an orgasm.
She worried there was something wrong with her body due to this inability, having tried self-pleasure too, which didn’t turn her on.
She was from a family who taught her masturbation and sex was bad and dirty.
These beliefs were hindering her ability to orgasm.
I helped her, using hypnosis — which is a guided meditation where I invite my client to generate sexual sensations using their imagination — to learn to achieve orgasm using only her mind.
Now her friends are envious that she can orgasm even without physical touch.
- Names are changed throughout.