How to know if your rebound relationship will last, according to a therapist

Not all rebound relationships are doomed to fail, a therapist says, though dating someone to fill an emotional void can lead to issues later on.

• Not all rebound relationships are doomed to fail, a therapist said.
• It's normal to compare a current lover to an ex, but it shouldn't get in the way of a new connection.
• Sexual attraction is complex. Don't assume your fate is set with a new partner if sex is lackluster.

Dear Julia,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years, and I love him so much. But when we first started dating, I was still getting over my ex. I didn't realize it at the time, but I now believe that I used my current relationship as a rebound.

Early on, I started comparing my boyfriend to my ex. I made these comparisons silently to myself, and most of the time it was to highlight how my current boyfriend is better for me than my ex. But sometimes, I would think about how I felt more sexually attracted to my ex than my current partner.

Don't get me wrong — when I first met my now-boyfriend, I thought he was really handsome, and I still do. Our sex life isn't horrible by any means. But I never feel fully satisfied with it, and our sexual chemistry isn't as strong as I'd hoped.

For the most part, I've stopped comparing my ex and my current partner. But I have a nagging feeling that I made a mistake. Is my relationship less likely to last because it was a rebound?

-Lagos

Dear Lagos,

It's hard to feel completely settled and secure in a relationship when "what ifs" keep popping into your head — especially when those questions have to do with your sex life.

Based on what you've told me, it seems like you and your boyfriend have a loving connection that you've worked hard to foster. Even when you were going through complicated emotions about the end of another relationship, you found and pursued a connection with someone else. That doesn't make you deceptive; it makes you human.

It's normal to think about an ex-partner while making memories with new lovers, silently comparing the different ways they think or act, therapist Amelia Kelley told me. This only becomes detrimental to future connections if you let it hold you back from getting close to your new partner, or move so fast that you avoid difficult conversations that build trust, according to Kelley.

"As long as you're willing to take your time and see if it's a good fit, a rebound has the potential to turn into something more and last," Kelley said.

Reconsider how you view sexual attraction

A new connection, whether a rebound or not, will likely have elements that remind you of a past relationship. There's also a fair chance that being with someone new will bring fresh perspectives and experiences to your life, including what you talk about, the dates you go on together, and even how you have sex.

Unless you're trying to avoid repeating dating mistakes that you made in the past, like constantly choosing emotionally unavailable partners, fixating on every similarity and difference you notice is largely unhelpful, according to Kelley.

She suggested that you try to view how your relationship started, and how you feel about sexual attraction with your partner, as two unrelated factors. This way, you can assess your relationship as it currently is, instead of getting caught up in hypotheticals.

"There's nothing wrong with realizing a relationship is not the right one for you. But there's also a natural progression of intimacy in relationships that you should be aware of," Kelley told me.

As time passes and you become closer to a partner, the rush of hormones that made you feel extra giddy in the beginning start to wear off, Kelley said. This physiological change, and getting into a comfortable pattern with your partner, can impact how spontaneous, exciting, and satisfying sex feels.

Kelley also said that sexual attraction can feel more intense if it's towards someone who is unavailable in other ways. If, for example, your ex had trouble listening to your emotional needs or had a habit of prioritizing their career over quality time with you, sex could have felt like a lifeline that connected you. If you're getting more of your needs met outside of the bedroom than in previous relationships, sexual attraction might not hold as much weight when it comes to the overall health of your connection, Kelley said.

And, if the foundation of your connection is mutual love and care, you can always work on making your sex life more satisfying — like asking your partner to experiment with different types of touch, role playing to get out of a routine, or flirting more throughout the day to feel that sense of sexy urgency when you get home from work.

So, at the risk of sounding cliché, comparison really can be the thief of joy. But leaning into gratitude, by focusing on the things you love about your partner, could help you unlock the next level of your relationship. And who knows? It could end up blowing your mind (and your back out) more than your ex ever could.

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As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.