Dear Abby: Should someone move on if partner gets dementia? Wife and I disagree

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my wife, “Sandy,” for 40 years. We married as soon as it became possible for us as a gay couple. While our relationship isn’t perfect, we are deeply committed and I always assumed we shared the same values.

Recently, one partner of a couple we know well was admitted to a care facility for advanced dementia. The other partner became involved with someone else almost immediately. I expressed to Sandy that I believe in “until death do you part,” and I was shocked to learn that Sandy not only supported the unfaithful partner, but said she believed one should get on with their life and she could actually see herself doing the same thing!

I haven’t been able to get past this, and I now find myself questioning my confidence in our relationship. I’m torn between trying to fix all the minor issues and make our relationship perfect in the hope of holding on to her, and pulling away to avoid this future betrayal. Neither path seems right. I know we should talk, but I’m afraid it will just make things worse. What should I do? — SHATTERED IN NEW YORK

DEAR SHATTERED: I think you already have an inkling of what my answer would be. What you should do is talk these uncomfortable subjects through. Because you are so threatened by what Sandy’s answers may be, do it in the office of a licensed therapist at your nearest LGBTQ Center. If you do, it may bring the two of you closer.

Please keep in mind that none of us has a contract with God. If the shoe were to be on the other foot, and Sandy was the one with a lingering terminal illness, would she want you to rush out and find a new partner? Somehow, I doubt it.

DEAR ABBY: Last weekend, my son was married in a small church in Northern California, a perfect venue for a small wedding. The bride and groom come from large families, and in order to keep the cost down, they decided that children under 21 would be omitted from the guest list. (Example: My husband had only one friend invited to the wedding — my son’s godfather.)

My brother and his wife, who have three children under 21, were extremely offended that their children were not invited to accompany them. They missed the couple’s shower, didn’t show up to the wedding and offered no explanation. The morning of the rehearsal dinner, we learned the reason for their absence from my sister and her husband. Apparently, their children were extremely upset. We have tried to speak with them about the situation, with no response. Any suggestions? — WEDDING BELL BLUES

DEAR BLUES: If your brother and his wife accepted the shower and wedding invitations and didn’t bother to show up, they were extremely rude. You did nothing wrong, and you don’t owe them an “explanation” for the fact that your son and his bride omitted their children from the guest list. Go on with your life, refuse to be intimidated and be happy for your son.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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