Ask Amy: Parent wonders whether to bail out daughter

Dear Amy: My daughter is 37, and has been married for 15 years. She and her husband have three boys, ages 13, 10, and 3.

She pursued a divorce in the most destructive way possible, by moving a male “friend” (who has three children of his own) into her marital home.

He needed lodging because of his pending divorce. My son-in-law allowed it. Later, when the “friend” moved into his apartment, my daughter moved in with him.

My daughter and son-in-law are now at the point where they need to decide who, if either of them, keeps the house.

Both of them want to buy the other out, but will not be able to do so without financial help from my husband and me.

To keep my grandsons in their home, I am inclined to assist my son-in-law instead of my daughter. He has a well-paying job that negates the possibility of foreclosure, while my daughter has just entered the workforce and is making a low wage.

I don’t see how she could possibly make house payments.

I am perfectly willing to help my daughter financially in other ways – with rent on an apartment, for instance.

I want what is best for my grandchildren. Should I butt out and let the home be sold and any profit divided between them?

Neither of them will find comparable living space they will be able to afford, and the children having to move and “downgrade” is distressing.

I’m trying to avoid a battle with my daughter, but she will be upset if we help her soon-to-be ex retain the house, no matter what we may offer to her.

Butt in or stay out of it?

– Financially Secure

Dear Financially Secure: You are already quite involved in this split, but in my opinion, you should not offer to finance this house. For the time being, in order to keep the children in their home, the couple might consider “nesting,” which is when the kids stay in the house and the estranged parents trade off staying in the home. You might consider helping with rent on a small nearby apartment where the non-custodial parent will stay during the days the other is in the home with the kids.

Your daughter voluntarily left the home and partnered up with this “friend,” who has children. If she ended up owning the home, she could move this man (and possibly his kids) into the home; marking a major disruption for all of the children.

If you financed the house, you might be tempted to try to control who lives there, embroiling you further in this mess.

You can benefit the grandchildren (without interfering) by always welcoming them into your home as a never-changing and stable safe harbor.

Dear Amy: I married “Bob” five years ago. When we met, he had been raising his two daughters alone for three years.

His former wife has been diagnosed with an antisocial mental disorder. Through the three years it took to finalize their divorce, she was arrested for stalking one daughter after defying a restraining order.

She was not attempting to physically harm the daughter, but was knowingly going against the court order.

She maintained occasional supervised visitation for a couple of years, but again violated a court order and dropped out of sight.

All of this happened before Bob and I met. All of this drama traumatized the children to some extent. They seem afraid of their mother and in therapy have said that they don’t want contact with her.

My stepdaughters are now teenagers and are absolutely wonderful.

My husband’s ex recently reached out to me via private message. She explained that she had been in treatment and that she is desperate to see her children, now that she has recovered.

My heart broke and I would like to help her.

What do you think?

– Sensitive Stepmother

Dear Sensitive: My response is a hard “no.”

Turn this contact over to your husband. You were not present when all of this was happening in the family.

His ex is going through you because she believes you will be more easily manipulated (and she’s right).

If she is serious about this, then she should contact the girls’ dad.

Dear Amy: I cannot believe that you suggested that “Superstitious” should throw his old wedding ring into the creek!

Here you are, recommending that readers should pollute the environment and our waterways with their trash.

Thanks for doing such a great job!

– Disgusted

Dear Disgusted: You’re … welcome?

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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