18 years younger and still, I’m too old for my husband
DEAR DEIDRE: FRIENDS and family said I was a fool for marrying an older man – now it seems they were right.
I’m 18 years younger than him and our relationship felt exciting, but now he’s having affairs with women who are even younger than me.
I had no reason to question his intentions, but seeing him ogle and entertain younger women has me questioning everything.
He’s 60 and I’m 42. We’ve been married for 14 years and have two children together.
When we first met I was 28 and he was 46, divorced with three children.
Our love blossomed quickly and it wasn’t long before we were planning our future together.
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My family and friends questioned our relationship and made it clear they didn’t approve of our age gap.
Naively, I passed it off as them being judgmental, but as we’ve grown older I’ve started to understand their concern.
Initially, our relationship was amazing, but over the past few years, I’ve noticed him longingly staring at other women.
If they’re younger and slimmer than me, he loses all control and openly flirts in front of me.
Every time I’ve told him how this makes me feel he has shrugged me off saying I’m being delusional.
To make matters worse, recently he’s become secretive with his phone. He’s been exchanging explicit messages with women in their 30s and I’m sure he’s met up with some of them.
He is texting non-stop, and can barely find a second to pull his head out of his phone.
My self-esteem has hit an all-time low and I’m worried I’ll never be enough for him.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s clear that your husband is fully aware of how much this upsets you, but he still does it anyway.
While it’s normal to still find other people attractive, to act on it, especially in front of you, is disrespectful.
Find a moment when you are both calm and let him know how he is making you feel.
Explain to him that, while he behaves like this isn’t important, it is to you, and by dismissing you this way he’s gaslighting you.
Spell out he is putting your relationship at risk and can’t expect you to ignore this any more.
If he won’t make any effort to change please seek some support to explore your next move, staying in this sort of relationship spells misery.
My support pack on counselling explains more.