Ask Amy: A long marriage is now on the ropes

Dear Amy: My wife of 27 years recently told me that she has no interest in intimacy or sex any longer.

We have had a poor record in this regard, especially while raising our four kids (three adults, and one teenage girl).

My wife told me that I could not initiate or suggest having sex with her, and that the only way it would happen would be if she decided to initiate. She has not done this in over a decade, so I have no hope.

I, of course, told her that it was unfair to dictate terms that in essence would last for maybe the next 20 to 30 years of my life.

She said that any form of cheating would be grounds for a divorce, so, I think she is trying to force me to divorce her, making me the bad guy with the children and extended family (she figures I would not make this public to them).

So, what do I do now?

– Rejected

Dear Rejected: After years of dysfunction, your marriage has now reached a terminus. Your sex life might be the primary issue dividing the two of you, but I assume that your wife’s lack of compassion and her current non-negotiable is representative of other problems in the marriage. She sounds angry, you are (understandably) very hurt.

“No-fault” divorce means that couples don’t need to present specific reasons to split. If your relationship has broken down to the point of no return, “irreconcilable differences” is an accurate description. You should educate yourself about the legal pathways to divorce in your state.

If you are at the point where you believe you two are trying to out-maneuver one another regarding breaking up, counseling might offer you a pathway to negotiate a more peaceful and honest split. If she won’t see a therapist with you, you should go on your own.

You are not invited to initiate sex. You should initiate counseling.

If you two separate, my sense of this is that you might be made out to be the “bad guy,” no matter the actual circumstances.

You should consider whether you are willing to be held hostage by your wife’s anger.

Dear Amy: I am a retired woman, living alone. I inherited a box of very old photos, well over 100 years old.

At the bottom of the box, I found a dozen small, beautifully framed “adult” photos.

While I am certain that these were hardcore for their time, they are quite tame by modern standards, featuring partial nudity, unlaced bodices and rolled stockings.

The most seductive photo is of a bride getting a romantic kiss on her wedding night.

I was immediately taken with these lovely images, and so I grouped them together to display in my bedroom, which is a very private room in my home. (I am a retired woman living alone.)

As soon as she saw them, my older sister began insisting that I take them down, because "people will think you’re gay, or some kind of pervert.”

I pointed out that anyone in my bedroom knows me well enough to know the truth of me, and who cares what anyone else thinks?

My sister, and now several of her friends, are outraged at my "pornographic display.”

Can you help me come up with a comment to stop further discussion?

– Art Lover

Dear Art Lover: This sounds like a cool and unique collection to display in your bedroom.

Responding to comments or critiques from the various biddies in your life, you might arch an eyebrow and say, “Well, you’re right. I’ve been holding out on you. My secret is out. I am in fact gay, and have a special attraction to boudoir beauties from the Victorian era. Last night I had a dream about Virginia Woolf. We were ballroom dancing on board the Titanic.”

In short – own this; don’t explain and don’t apologize.

And perverted? Would your sister be scandalized if you had a reproduction of the Venus di Milo or of Michelangelo’s “David” in your bedroom? Would she be shocked by anyone gazing upon Rodin’s “The Kiss”? Perhaps. But this is very much her problem. Don’t make it yours.

Dear Amy: “Superstitious” wondered what to do with his bad luck wedding band from a previous marriage. He should melt it down and donate the proceeds to a favorite charity. — Charitable

Dear Charitable: This is an option worth exploring (many readers have suggested it), but this process might cost more than the gold in the ring is worth.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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