The Bachelor Recap: Queen Behavior

This season, we are watching a Bachelor act like a Bachelorette.

I like to open these recaps with a fun tableau for you all, painting a clever little word picture to capture what I’m thinking and illustrate the themes or storylines being advanced each week. It might be a check-in with our friend the hardline ABC executive, who pulls the strings behind the scenes, or a little explainer, or in one very special case, a Serial parody. Do you like these things? Does any other recapper do them? The answer to both is “I don’t fucking know,” but this week, I’ve got a real doozy. Buckle up.

I was a French major in college and took a course called “French Classical Tragedy: Corneille Versus Racine: Rethinking the Parallel.” (See, I told you it was a doozy.) The whole purpose of the class was to compare these two giants of 17th-century French drama. Readers, I cannot tell you any specifics or even anything that I read for this class. It was 900 years and two rounds of chemo ago. The brain — she fried. But I do vividly remember one conversation with my professor about how the playwrights differed in their typical portrayal of the royals in their stories, and how that affected which subgenre they were usually labeled. (DOES ANYONE LIKE THIS? IS ANYONE HAVING FUN??) In one subgenre, the queen was “mad” or immoral, and everyone had to deal with her bullshit. In the other, the royals would stand on stage and just monologue about honor and integrity because the playwright was trying to portray what man was capable of. I was sitting in my professor’s office talking about how one specific play didn’t fit cleanly into one subgenre even though it met all the other criteria and was written by either Racine or Corneille. (I DO NOT REMEMBER!) At one point, I said to my professor, “It’s almost like this is Subgenre A because the king character in this play is acting how a queen character would act in Subgenre B.” My professor’s eyes lit up and she said, “Well, you’ve got a thesis statement right there.” I’m pretty sure I got a C in the class. But the point was good! Reading that play, I was watching a king act like a queen, occupying the same space and taking on the same role.

I would argue (and receive a middling grade) that on this season of The Bachelor, we are watching a Bachelor behave like a Bachelorette.

I’m not saying Joey is acting like “a stereotypical woman” or anything like that, but the stories, narratives, and emotions that are all over this episode (and most of this season) are more usually found in a season of The Bachelorette. Think about it: He’s worried about not being chosen, he’s dealing with a number of contestants who very vocally can’t stand to see him with other contestants, a top-four contestant who feels weird about saying “I love you,” and being worried about getting to the end and the other person not feeling the same way. These are not the usual concerns on a season of The Bachelor. Honestly, I could have stopped the list at “worried about being chosen.” I have zero memory of Arie worrying about being chosen. Arie was mainly worried how it would look that he was into Bekah and she was 21 years old. There wasn’t a thought or concern rattling around in that PPP Loan recipient’s head. Joey is a complex female character and I support our Bachelorette.

Let’s get into it.

We’re in Jasper, Alberta, Canada! There’s geese, and deer, and bears, oh my! Li’l Joey is riding into town on another motorcycle. Do we know motorcycles to be a thing about him? Was this revealed in a previous season? Because they’re really doubling down on “PUT HIM IN A LEATHER JACKET” even though, to me, he doesn’t have “cool motorcycle energy.” He has “floppy tennis boi” energy. You could replace either Riff or Early 20s Prince Charles in Zendaya’s sexy threesome tennis movie with Joey and no one would notice. Hollywood, I’ve got a viable use for AI.

It’s the week before Hometowns and Joey is doing his weekly tennis lesson with Jesse. Joey wants to make sure he’s confident in each connection before he meets anyone’s family. He doesn’t want anything to fall off this week, when there will be two one-on-ones and a group date. Also, I’m sorry — aren’t there usually more one-on-ones when there are only six people left? You could easily do three one-on-ones and have a smaller group date. I distinctly remember a group date on Rachel’s season with three guys and they kept getting eliminated as the group date went along. It was tough and efficient — just like Rachel. Everyone is freaking out and they desperately want the one-on-one because at this point, it would be their second one-on-one. Also, Jenn is very much getting an edit this episode. She starts out by saying she wants to just get naked and cuddle in the woods.

The first date card arrives and it goes to Daisy! Joey and Daisy meet near some horses and they’re going to ride around in the wilderness. They’re both wearing autumnal colors and muted neutrals and there are lush green trees behind them. I write in my notes, “This is white-people porn.” Joey says that Daisy is his first real connection but she hasn’t really expressed how she feels about him so he’s ready to take it to a different level. This man LOVES HER. He’s SMITTEN. He has fallen and fallen hard. He doesn’t exactly say it but … he really, really, really likes her and he needs her to like him too. The entire ride he keeps saying how beautiful his view (of her) is and how he’s enjoying this beautiful place (with her). Meanwhile, Daisy is being a little withholding about saying “I love you,” as if there isn’t a whole Bachelor script that starts with, “I think I’m falling for you.” She keeps saying, “I won’t tell him I love him” and presents it like a moral stance. There are definitely gentler ways for her to say what she wants to say.

Back at the lodge, the ladytestants are flogging themselves and ripping their hair out. Kelsey T., Maria, Rachel, and Jenn are going on the group date and Kelsey A. gets the one-on-one. Jenn has to leave the room to cry. EDIT.

Daisy and Joey head to Papa George’s restaurant and Daisy is ready to tell Joey how she feels, which is “I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU! DEAL WITH IT!” In reality, Daisy is concerned about her family’s reaction to a potential fiancé coming home with her because they saw her through her illness. Daisy quickly says, “Oh, it was really bad” when explaining why her family is so protective. And as someone who knows exactly how protective family and loved ones can be when you’re sick, I get it and it’s worthy of a conversation. Again, this isn’t exactly, “I’m not in love with you,” especially because she keeps saying, “Do I love you? No. Can I see myself getting there? Yes. Do I want to? Also yes. In a way, am I already falling for you? Yes again.” The framing of the conversation has Joey a little shaken but he says he would never run if she was sick and he’s accepting of all sides of her. She gets the rose. She’s going to hometowns!

I know there’s a contingent of people who don’t see the relationship between Joey and Daisy, and to those people, I just want to say, “You don’t see it with Daisy but you see it with Rachel??” He’s fully in love with Daisy.

Time for the group date. The women are getting dressed up in flannel and learning lumberjack — I’m sorry, lumber-JILL skills from a five-time lumberjack champion. The women all have a different approach and the lumberjilling really has no impact on the day. Rachel is secretly amazing at being a lumberjill because she woodworks with her dad. Kelsey T. wants to get an “A” in Group Date Activities and throws herself all in. Maria says she prefers glamping instead of camping and once again, I am her. Jenn sneaks off to make out with Joey in front of everyone. We’ve never had this many hot bitches in one season. Rachel says, “What the hell? Are you for real right now?” upon seeing Jenn make out with Joey.

Going into the evening portion of the date, everyone is anxious and needs that time with Joey. Maria is having a meltdown because her man kissed another woman. More proof that Joey is living a Bachelorette narrative. Maria is exhibiting classic contesticle behavior right now. “Why can’t [he] be mine?” God, I love a liberal-arts education.

Everyone is using their time to talk about what a hometown visit would be like. Jenn talks about her heritage and her mom not understanding “her American side” and Kelsey T. talks about what her dad might want for her. What’s absolutely devastating is how the show cuts between Rachel’s time with Joey that I would like to see to understand their relationship to show Maria freaking out. Seriously, Rachel is out here doing an all-time run. The only thing she’s told him is “I’m a slow burn” and literally zero identifying information, and now she’s going to Hometowns.

Maria sits down with Joey and she emotion-vomits all over him. He looks tired. I think Joey genuinely likes Maria but doesn’t know what to do with someone who (also) has anxiety and needs to talk themselves out of and back into something. He says she’s always discounting their connection when she talks about seeing him with other women. She says that their one-on-one date actually made it worse because it was so special to her. Joey keeps trying to validate her by reminding her that she’s just as special as the other women but she just says that she’s in her head and doesn’t know if she can do it anymore. Joey asks her if she can get there or if her mind is made up. She actually gets up and walks out crying and Joey says he doesn’t know what to do. What he should do is just tell her that he’s hot for her! Tell her something unique about your relationship!

She comes back and apologizes for overreacting. He tells her that it wasn’t an overreaction, it’s just how she was feeling. Okay, I love him again. His refrain is if he makes it to the end with someone, he’s all in. The classic dilemma is that, for him to get to that point, he needs the women to be all in. They slowly make up and Maria jokes that she’s not going to give him a kiss because she saw him with Jenn … then immediately kisses him. Joey, she’s a li’l crazy. No one gets the group date rose.

It’s time for Kelsey A.’s date. They have a classic strolling-around-the-city date and they talk to a Typical Canadian named Paul. You know what? If you asked me to guess the name of a Canadian, I’d start with Paul. Paul tells them that there’s a polar-bear plunge and Kelsey is SO EXCITED. She had been wanting to do a polar plunge and was going to DIY one by just hopping in the lake outside the ladies’ living quarters. They head to the polar plunge that does not look official but is somehow hosted by Devo Brown, a real Canadian sports host-question mark?

This date is mostly boring because Joey is VERY into Kelsey and Kelsey is VERY into Joey and ready to have him meet her family. They talk about her dad and how he stepped up after her mom passed away and Joey even validates her dad! “I can’t even imagine what you went through but also what your dad went through. Your dad sounds like one amazing man, he sounds like someone who would make an amazing father-in-law.” Honestly, Joey needed a win and needed someone that he liked to really like him back, and Kelsey A. does. She gets the rose. She’s going to Hometowns! They head outside to make out and a deer is watching them.

There will be no cocktail party tonight, but Joey does need to have a sidebar with Maria once they all line up for the rose ceremony. Rachel turns to Daisy and says, “I thought we didn’t have time to talk to him tonight. What the fuck.” RACHEL!

Joey sits down with Maria and she’s clearly calmed down and planned out what she wants to tell him. She tells him she was just thinking out loud, her insecurities got the best of her, and she wants to be there. Joey says it’s frustrating to have her walk off but they need to stay open and honest with each other. He sends her back to the rose ceremony room with a performance-improvement plan in place.

Finally, Rachel and Maria get the roses. They’re heading to Hometowns! Again, an all-time come-from-behind move from Rachel. But that means Jenn and Kelsey T. are going home. Kelsey T. doesn’t say anything but Joey tells her that he appreciates everything she’s been. Jenn says she wants to find her person and that he’s as special as Joey. Do I think they’re going to try to make Jenn the Bachelorette? Maybe. If not, she’ll be queen of Paradise.

To Hometowns! Maria’s dad’s shirt is VERY open! Kelsey’s dad is tough! Daisy’s mom is tough! Rachel is fully weeping?!?!?