Ask Amy: Wife seeks distance from husband’s crimes
Dear Amy: I was so sad and embarrassed to learn that my ex-husband was involved in corporate crimes during the time we were married.
One of two cases and the related court dockets and evidence reveal participation in a complex scheme that resulted in the plaintiff company being awarded a huge settlement.
I quietly left the marriage and took a work assignment halfway across the country to escape my former husband’s erratic behavior, irresponsibility, and terrible work ethic.
I had no idea he was committing crimes, in my home and under my nose – a common scenario, as I now understand it, when it comes to wives of white-collar criminals.
A second corporate fraud case is now on the docket. I am aware that these crimes materially impacted many people far and wide.
I am now wondering if I should remain silent about my departure from the marriage, or take a few proactive measures to share with those that were once in our common circle of friends and colleagues that I was neither aware nor would I have ever condoned such illicit and predatory acts.
From what I am reading, a divorce from a white-collar criminal is often perceived as a means for the wife to protect her interests, all the while standing by her man.
For better or for worse, I am not that person, and I am increasingly uncomfortable that this could be the perception.
What should I do?
– Amy in SC
Dear Amy: Because you feel so strongly about this, you should claim your own narrative, using your own words and writing down the story you want others to know. But for now, do this only for yourself.
I don’t think it is wise to publicly note any details about your ex-husband’s crimes, until these crimes are completely settled through the courts and you receive current and competent legal advice directed only to you.
The last thing you want to do is to somehow accidentally ensnare or implicate yourself in the situation you are trying to maintain your distance from.
Your actual friends know you and understand your situation. The people in your former circle who may have “perceptions” about your divorce? Didn’t you leave these perceptions behind when you left your previous life behind? Because the fact is, you did leave the marriage in order to protect your own interests. And – good for you.
Dear Amy: My godson is getting married soon and since he and his fiancée live in a small apartment, they are not listed on any bridal registry.
However on their wedding website, they suggest that if guests want to make a donation to honor their wedding, to give their gift to a local clinic that performs abortions.
I do not condemn their choice of being pro-abortion, but to place that on their wedding invitation is beyond my belief.
I will not give to an abortion clinic (my choice).
I was planning on giving them a wedding check and will be upset if it goes to an abortion clinic.
What should I do?
– Wedding Dilemma
Dear Dilemma: Many couples suggest causes for their wedding guests to donate to in their honor. Clinics offering abortion services also offer many other important reproductive health services to women.
If you don’t condemn this couple’s stand on abortion, then surely you wouldn’t condemn their choice to donate their own money toward supporting a clinic.
And if you give them money for their wedding gift, this money will no longer be your money, but their money, to spend as they choose.
In lieu of cash, you could give them your Aunt Bertha’s old gravy boat, but they could then turn around and sell it and donate the proceeds.
My point is that you don’t have the right to control where the gift you give to them lands.
A gift card to a local restaurant or establishment that aligns with their interests (aside from abortion services) might make you feel better.
Dear Amy: “Modern Day Greta Garbo” expressed the desire for weeks of solitude, away from her husband.
Your answer was terrible!
Marriage is about being together. Do I sometimes want to be away from my husband of four decades? Of course! But we’re married.
You never even took her husband’s wishes into account.
– Upset
Dear Upset: My answer offered several ways for her and her husband to work this out, so, of course, she needs to discuss this with him and take his wishes into account.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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