3 Gaslighting Mind Games Narcissists Play in Dating, According to An Expert

Is your dating or relationship partner a narcissist who is gaslighting you? Here are three ways to tell, according to an expert.

Appearing to be concerned for you and expressing verbally they don’t want to hurt you, but taking the very action they knew would harm you the most.

The manipulation of a narcissistic or psychopathic individual is frequently more carefully orchestrated than people think. A meta-analysis of 437 studies as well as a wealth of research on psychopathy indicates that people with narcissistic and psychopathic traits can engage in instrumental, premeditated aggression and bullying against others – aggression served to achieve a goal, whether it be conning someone for profit or demeaning someone for duping delight and sadistic pleasure. When a narcissistic or psychopathic person tells you something like, “I don’t want to hurt you,” and proceeds to take the worst action possible to try to harm you, this is a deliberate form of gaslighting designed to disorient and bully their victims covertly while evading accountability. It causes emotional whiplash and cognitive dissonance as the victim struggles to come to terms with the narcissist’s words and the nature of their cruel actions.

For example, a psychopath may say early on in a relationship, “I would never lie to you,” preemptively defending themselves, only to disclose a series of falsehoods shortly after. Or a narcissistic individual may share, “I am concerned that you’ll think I am cheating when I am completely faithful to you, I am worried about your mental health,” and leave the room only to meet with their affair partner and leave blatant clues of their deception for their victim to find. These actions make it clear that narcissists and psychopaths don’t care at all about the mental health or well-being of their victims, and their words will often be contradicted by their behaviors which actually maliciously attempt to drive their victims over the edge.

Creating love triangles ruthlessly, while normalizing these toxic dynamics and act as if their victims are the “needy” ones.

The relationship cycle with a narcissist or psychopath begins with a heavy amount of praise, adoration, and idealization, as well as consistent attention and affection – only to abruptly withdraw into devaluation, withholding and withdrawal. One of the ways narcissistic and psychopathic people like to poke and prod to evoke reactions in their victims is through jealousy induction, which research indicates they weaponize for power and control, as well as exacting revenge and testing the relationship. This means they often ruthlessly create love triangles in a way that would seem incredibly callous to most people. For example, they may take their wife or child to meet their mistress under the guise that their affair partner is “just a friend,” and proceed to call their wife jealous and insecure if they reacted to any kind of inappropriate flirtation they witnessed, and depict the wife as someone who doesn’t want them to have any friends rather than the actual reality of the situation. Or a female narcissist might send raunchy text messages to the man she’s having an affair with while on a romantic dinner date with her significant other. When asked who she is talking to, she may gaslight her partner by telling him he is being controlling (this is different from the case of an actually controlling partner where an affair is not taking place). These types of love triangles are purposefully staged in order to provoke the victim, as narcissists and psychopaths thrive in chaos. Psychopaths especially tend to be high sensation-seekers and prone to boredom, and gain excitement and a thrill from being able to “toy” with the emotions of others. When victims react to such provocations, it gives the narcissist or psychopath a sense of being the puppet-master and a false sense of superiority as they try to compel people to compete for them. What these types fail to recognize is that people who authentically have options and are desirable will usually not have to play such mind games to make themselves look valuable.

Promising something and dangling the carrot of a future for you to invest in them – only to behave outraged when you actually ask for it.

Narcissistic and psychopathic individuals may future fake and love bomb you into believing in a future together, and dangle the carrot of certain promises. They may tell you that they can’t wait to be married to you – only for years to pass by with no engagement ring, but plenty of benefits on their part. Or they might make you visualize a future together where you both enjoy a lavish lifestyle – only for them to exploit your money and never return the “loan” (this is more likely in the case of parasitic psychopaths who tend to leech off of others). When their victims confront them on this type of behavior, these exploitative individuals will shut down and stonewall in these conversations and behave outraged that you ever expected anything from them at all, even though they were the ones who set forth these expectations and future-faked their way into your life. They will punish and degrade you for bringing up the promises they once made.