I tried ranch-flavored lip balm – it’s not an April Fool’s joke, I liked it better than the buffalo sauce version
WHETHER it’s drizzled over a salad or served alongside some hot wings, who doesn’t love ranch?
Thanks to an adventurous new collaboration, you can keep that slightly sour flavor on your lips all day without eating so much as a drop.
Burt’s Bees has joined forces with Hidden Valley Ranch to create the limited edition Ranch Dippers.
There are four flavors available: Crunchy Celery, Fresh Carrot, Buffalo Sauce, and Hidden Valley Ranch.
They previously launched earlier this year but almost immediately sold out.
Giving in to popular demand, though, the brands brought the collab back today — and it’s not an April Fool’s Joke.
For $11.99, you can try all four flavors in a limited-edition box.
I jumped at the chance to try them, partly because I love ranch and would inject it into my veins if it were possible, and also because I have chronically chapped lips.
Despite my excitement, the concept of the lip balms did leave me feeling existentially torn.
It made me ponder a question posed by one of the greatest philosophical minds of our generation: Jeff Goldblum’s character from Jurassic Park, Ian Malcolm.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they never stopped to think if they should,” the character famously said before all hell broke loose.
Now, I wasn’t expecting such catastrophic results but it did occur to me that what I was about to try goes against the very fabric of nature.
CRUNCHY CELERY
While many people tend to ignore the side of celery that often comes with their wings, I like to use it to scoop up any leftover sauce.
A vital part of celery’s role as a vessel for flavorful dips is its own lack of zest.
After a quick Google, I found out the vegetable is roughly 95%, which makes sense given its neutrality on the flavor scale.
If you’ve ever wondered what water would taste like in food form, look no further.
With all this in mind, I was intrigued to try the Crunchy Celery flavor lip balm.
I originally decided to blind-test each lip balm at first and I was able to identify celery right away.
Credit where credit is due, Burt’s Bees and Hidden Valley somehow pulled flavor from a famously flavorless food.
The celery balm was a lot less pungent than the others but it did leave a slightly salty aftertaste on my lips.
The salty scent isn’t quite as intense as licking your lips after a dip in the ocean and wouldn’t make you thirsty.
Instead, I would compare it to having a slightly sweaty upper lip after a workout.
Overall, if someone told me this was a flavorless balm, I would not argue.
I wouldn’t refuse it if I needed some lip hydration but I wouldn’t actively seek it out as a flavor.
FRESH CARROT
Firstly, I love the specification of the carrot being fresh because we all know frozen vegetables don’t pack the same flavor punch.
My blind test of the Fresh Carrot initially left me confused but eventually, I was able to identify the flavor.
One of my co-workers described the scent of the balm as “fruity” and while I wouldn’t go that far, it was the most lip balm-like of the bunch.
However, I will say that the slightly sweet taste was more carrot-adjacent than carrot.
Imagine describing a carrot’s flavor to someone who never had one and then that person created a lip balm based on your description, that’s what this lip balm was like.
Having said that, out of the four flavors available, I would be most inclined to wear Fresh Carrot.
Now, if it was date night I don’t know if I would immediately reach for this one — but I will say that it worked wonders on my overly chapped lips.
BUFFALO SAUCE
Removing the cap to this lip balm filled the air with a sort of artificial cheese smell that reminded me of cheese products rather than the real deal.
I love buffalo sauce — the hotter the better — so I was excited to try this flavor.
However, something about the spicy sauce being used to soothe chapped lips left me feeling apprehensive.
The taste it leaves on your lips is what I imagine licking the underside of a Chuck E Cheese table might taste like.
Roisin Chapman
Surprisingly, the cheese product scent wasn’t as overbearing after I applied it to my lips.
It did linger for a while afterward, leaving an aftertaste you’d expect after a cheesy snack without the fun of having eaten said snack.
The taste it leaves on your lips is what I imagine licking the underside of a Chuck E Cheese table might taste like.
As a fun little experiment, which nobody asked me to do, I layered both the buffalo sauce and ranch balms on my lips to see if it would taste like a hot wing and dip.
It did not.
If you’re a woman looking to get over a man, I recommend each of you apply one of these balms and go in for a kiss.
Trust me, neither of you will ever want a smooch from the other ever again.
HIDDEN VALLEY RANCH
If you’re someone who asks for extra sides of ranch no matter the meal, this lip balm may be for you.
Out of the four flavors, this one was undeniably what it said on the tin.
From the moment you uncap the balm, you will be hit with that familiar garlicky sour creamy scent.
While I was left wondering if this was all a ploy by Big Ranch to make us crave the dip, I will say each balm was as hydrating as ever.
Roisin Chapman
After applying a generous layer to my lips, I had what can only be described as an epiphany.
Just because something is your favorite snack doesn’t mean you should lather your lips in it for fun.
The flavor is overpowering and leaves your breath smelling like you just had a deliciously flavorful meal.
Only you didn’t, you just smell like it and, if you’re like me, will stay smelling like it until you scrub it off.
While I was left wondering if this was all a ploy by Big Ranch to make us crave the dip, I will say each balm was as hydrating as ever.
My lips, albeit extremely smelly, were left feeling smooth and hydrated after my testing.
The celery and carrot flavors could easily be sold as regular balms but I think the buffalo and ranch versions might be an acquired taste.
