My husband has been retired 5 years. How do I help him get over his fear of running out of money?

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• For Love & Money is a weekly Business Insider column answering relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader wishes their husband wasn't so worried about retirement.
• Our columnist says it's important to let him decide whether he really has a problem.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

My husband has been retired for almost five years. I work full-time from home and plan to continue working for the next 10 to 15 years. We have an age gap of 14 years. He is an intelligent, wonderful, extremely frugal man who watches our finances to the penny.

I am involved in our finances, attend meetings with our financial advisor, and feel secure in what we have developed together. We have long-term rental properties to supplement his retirement and have a nice nest egg in real estate and investment accounts.

My issue is that my husband has a lot of anxiety about our finances. He lives like he anticipates us losing everything. But he denies this and gets defensive when I ask him about his concerns regarding our finances.

Because he does not acknowledge his anxiety, medication and counseling are out of the question. I have already tried discussing this with him but to no avail. He spends many nights lying awake over his insecurities. He has always "talked" about getting a part-time job to stay busy and provide socialization, but he has not made any effort or shown interest in doing so. He spends hours sitting on the couch, playing bridge on his computer, and watching TV without motivation to exercise unless it is with me.

I have always told my husband that he has worked hard and deserves to enjoy a guilt-free retirement, but instead, he is wasting his time on the couch or in constant worry.

How can I help him?

Sincerely,

Secure, But Feeling Insecure

Dear Secure,

From the outside looking in, financial anxiety, like all anxiety, can seem absurdly easy to handle. If you don't make a lot of money, you have every right to be afraid, but if you make a solid income, all you need to do is count your dollars, exhale with relief, and live your life, secure in the knowledge that you have plenty. Easy, right?

Except when you're in it, the fear — the panicky urge to check your bank account one more time, scrape your pennies, and exert control over every single cent leaving your bank account — has almost nothing to do with the reality of your numbers. That has to do with the stories we learned about ourselves and the world around us when we were young. Trying to build a brand new relationship with money means we must first unlearn those lessons we took to heart as small children.

For a job this complex and important, I decided to call in the expert. Dr. Avigail Lev is the founder of CBT Online. She is an author, mediator, executive coach, and San Francisco-based therapist who knows all about liberating ourselves from unhelpful narratives.

When I read Dr. Lev your letter, however, she was less interested in your husband's apparent financial anxiety and more concerned with your response to it. As Dr. Lev pointed out, your husband is telling you that he isn't anxious, and yet you're clearly in knots over your conviction that he is. Dr. Lev asked, "Why are you insisting on a problem that involves feelings that aren't yours?"

As your friendly neighborhood codependent, I wonder if I can answer that question for you. My guess is that despite everything your husband says, his actions are much louder than his words. He is rotting on the couch, moaning over the money, and giving hours of his life to a computer game. These are not the behaviors of a happy, fulfilled retiree ready to embark on his third act. As an intelligent person, you recognize this, but as Dr. Lev put it so succinctly, these feelings are his alone and not your problem to solve.

If your husband recognized for himself that he might be in a depressive episode and a financial anxiety spiral, and he asked you for your support, you should help him through it. If his behaviors negatively impact you, Dr. Lev says you must address them in the ways they affect you but not in the ways you suspect they are affecting him. Your husband's struggle to find value and meaning in his retirement is his journey, and he hasn't invited you to join him. In fact, he says he isn't going through anything at all. And because it's his life and not yours, you must take him at his word.

However, reading your letter, I can see that what he is going through is eating you up inside. Dr. Lev says it's vital for you to get to the bottom of this response. What is it about his behavior that is a problem for you personally? You can psychoanalyze your husband all day, but rather than trying to investigate the emotional world of another person to fix a problem within them that they deny having, try zooming out.

Those actions that speak louder than his words — computer games, a sedentary lifestyle, obsessing over finances — in what ways are they negatively impacting you? Perhaps his stress over money makes you feel guilty for spending, maybe his sleepless nights keep you from proper rest, or maybe the hours he spends playing bridge on the computer are hours you would like to spend exploring the world with your spouse. These are issues you have every right to address.

Your husband's retirement years are also your shared life. You have every right to push for your own happiness, but your happiness can't depend on his because that's unfair to either of you. So rather than worry about your husband's apparent financial anxiety, take comfort in your financial security. Rather than telling your husband he deserves a guilt-free retirement, insist on a couple's getaway.

Fight for the life you want, and trust your husband to do the same.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.