Where’s my coffee? | Opinion

So I’m drinking coffee in the den while catching up with Jon Stewart, when Jeff comes in from pickleball. I pause the show in order to listen to every single detail of Jeff’s games. Then I make a new green smoothie, prepare poached salmon for dinner and take a shower. Ready to sit down with my Kindle and coffee. But where’s my coffee? I check the side table, the coffee table, my desk, night stand, kitchen counter, both bathroom counters, patio table, étagère, back to the den and file cabinet that serves as a side table, and Jeff’s desk. Nowhere! So I circle this enormous living space (two-bedroom condo) two or three more times, in case I missed something.

Finally, I give up and take out a new mug and prepare a new cup of coffee. It needs a little heat, so I open the microwave door and guess what was in there laughing at me? Yup! Anyone need an extra cup of coffee?

My friend Bonnie was particularly amused by this story, at first thinking I could use an extra shot of gingko biloba, or a long rest in a home. She then recognized the humor in my story and did one of her signature chortles with that twinkle in her eye.

But when I told her about my latest run-in with the microwave, that’s when she really let loose. A little background first, please. You see, I’ve been having a bit of a struggle with styes and experimenting with all sorts of eye compresses to help the matter along. Of course, the easiest thing to do would be to boil water and dip in a wash cloth to fashion my own compress. But that would be too easy. So I’ve purchased different kinds of single compresses and double ones that go over both eyes and wrap around my head. I kind of like the single ones because then I can see out of one eye and go about my business. The blindfold types literally make me blind for the 10 minutes I have to wear them.

The one thing all these compress styles have in common is that they have these little blue beads that heat up in the microwave. Each one comes with a different set of instructions and a different amount of time needed to heat them up effectively. The times range from about 10 to 25 seconds, depending upon its outer material.

So a day after my lost-coffee incident, I prepare to treat my eye with what I think is called a pearl wraparound eye compress. This one calls for 15 seconds in the microwave. I hit the start button and begin to tidy up the kitchen a bit. After a little while, it dawns on me that the microwave seems to be on for quite a bit longer than I’d expect. And while thinking that perhaps I put the thing in for 15 minutes instead of 15 seconds, I hear a really big pop, and slowly open the door to discover that my brand new gadget had exploded, sending little blue beads literally everywhere.

After crying out a few choice words that my grandchildren should never hear me say, Jeff comes running into the kitchen to witness the mess. I take one look at him and banish him from my sight, promising that I alone will tackle the chaos that I alone had inspired. There were the tiny blue beads that escaped into every corner of the microwave, and some that rolled out onto the range top and others that continued their merry way onto the floor.

I eventually manage to scoop up what I think was every last one of them, even employing the lick-my-finger technique one might use to gather up errant poppy seeds off the table. When Bonnie asked why I didn’t use the vacuum hose attachments, I tilted my head and looked at her as if she was speaking Sanskrit. Well, here’s where Bonnie really lost it. I don’t think I’d ever seen her laugh that hard. I wonder what I can do tomorrow to entertain dear Bonnie.

Columnist Ellyn Laub lives in Coconut Creek.