My boyfriend has ruined our plans for the future
DEAR DEIDRE: After months of us planning to marry and start a family, I discovered my boyfriend was having sex with another woman.
I had been so excited that he wanted the whole package and was delighted he wanted to start a new chapter and move in together.
But now I’m at a complete loss and questioning my judgement — how could I have got this so wrong?
I’m 39, my boyfriend is 42 and we’ve been together for four years.
He always seemed cautious of commitment, so I was delighted when he told me late last year that he wanted to take the plunge with me.
It was what I’d wanted for a long time so I readily moved out of my flat, and we found a new place to move in to together.
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It was pretty run down but we worked hard together for months making it cosy and ours.
With our new home looking perfect we even started to talk about me coming off my contraception. Then one day, while I was tidying our room, I found a pair of women’s knickers under our bed.
After that, I couldn’t help snooping through his phone.
Sure enough, I found hundreds of text messages he had exchanged with another woman.
Ever since I’ve been in bits and I can’t wrap my head around how he would do this to me.
Where do I go from here?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Knowing where to go from here will be difficult, but you need to decide if this is something that you can move past.
Be honest with your boyfriend and confront him about his betrayal. Explain how you feel and tell him how much his affair hurt you.
You need to be sure about why he strayed and what he wants from here on before you consider giving him another chance.
If you choose to stay, ensure he is equally as willing to work on rebuilding trust in your relationship. Couples counselling will be a vital part of this.
Please don’t try for a child until you are both on an even keel and have rebuilt the trust. You can find support through Tavistock Relationships (020 7380 1975, tavistockrelationships.org).
And look at my support packs Cheating – Can You Get Over It? and Looking After Your Relationship. Hopefully they will both be of help.